Season Six: In Doubt

This season spent most of its time with the future of MST3K hanging in the balance. Would the show continue? That seemed not to faze the writers as the shows just kept on being good week after week and this is one of most consistent seasons. Thirteen new shorts were unveiled, more than any other season. This season is also special because it contains all three of Coleman Francis' films, who is a legend to Msties.


Season Rank and Reflections

Andrew's Rank:

# 5

Mstie Rank:

# 8
Only one enshrined show, but this season is packed with high quality shorts. Also, all three Coleman Francis movies are here, two of which are in my top 44. You might be surprised which two. The presence of "Are You Ready for Marriage" can't be ignored, either. This was an odd season for me as there were a TON of movies from the drama genre. Not one space movie, not one mutant beast, just drama. I don't know why they did so many dramas. Some of them worked, but a lot of them didn't. At least I had a season-record 13 shorts (5 of them either Enshrined or Choice) to keep me amused.


RPMs (Riffs Per Minute)

Show quality was consistent, but RPMs were anything but. RPMs increased for the first part of the season, peaking above 10 with 609: Skydivers, and they they tumbled back to below 9. They then started to climb again, peaking at 9.8 with 621: Beast of Yucca Flats. Then, they fell to just above 9 over the rest of the season. Just like Season Four, this season averaged ~9.5 and was just as much of a roller coaster.



5.389 11.563 601 602 603 604 605 606 607 608 609 610 611 612 613 614 615 616 617 618 619 620 621 622 623 624


Andrew's Enshrined & Choice Eps

Mstie Enshrined & Choice Eps

# 15 - 619: Red Zone Cuba
# 30 - 609: Skydivers
# 36 - 606: Creeping Terror
# 40 - 620: Danger Death Ray
# 42 - 621: Beast of Yucca Flats
# 43 - 608: Code Name: Diamondhead
# 44 - 612: Starfighters

# 21 - 604: Zombie Nightmare
# 38 - 612: Starfighters
# 40 - 619: Red Zone Cuba
# 42 - 601: Girls' Town


RPM Top 44

Mstie Bottom 44

# 6 - 10.743 - 619: Red Zone Cuba
# 7 - 10.699 - 606: Creeping Terror
# 19 - 10.375 - 609: Skydivers
# 21 - 10.335 - 621: Beast of Yucca Flats
# 25 - 10.268 - 620: Danger Death Ray
# 29 - 10.127 - 608: Code Name: Diamondhead
# 34 - 10.049 - 604: Zombie Nightmare

# 153 - 608: Code Name: Diamondhead
# 152 - 615: Kitten with a Whip
# 151 - 623: Amazing Transparent Man
# 147 - 616: Racket Girls
# 144 - 607: Bloodlust
# 140 - 611: Last o/t Wild Horses



Excellence Explained - Why the Good is Good

619: Red Zone Cuba - -

Andrew's Rank: #15

-

Mstie Rank: #40


I have a feeling that this episode gets a substantial boost as it was one of the first Mst3k episodes on DVD, if not THE first. A lot of Msties' first exposure to Mst3k in glorious DVD quality was with this episode, thus fostering a certain fondness. Moreover, RZC is the one Coleman Francis film that has so many different settings that we can't keep track. "BoYF" took place solely in the desert, "Skydivers" took place solely at an airstrip, but "RZC" includes Cuba, Arizona, and wherever the heck it is the movie starts out. As for the episode, it had the most riffing of the three and, in my opinion, the best set of host segments.

612: Starfighters - -

Andrew's Rank: #44

-

Mstie Rank: #38


This one just barely sneaks onto the excellence list, but it's here nonetheless. Why? First, this is a unique kind of movie. Certainly it's not the only one to make use of military stock footage, but, pound-for-pound, it features the MOST stock footage of any MST3K movie, around which they added some minor, yet charming, plot lines. Add some decent host segments (the highlights of which being "The United Servo Academy Men's Chorus" and my personal favorite "Cowboy Mike's Own Original Red-Hot Ricocheeeet BBQ Sauce") and some hilarious riffing involving refueling and you have a memorable entry.


Defending My Classics

608: Code Name: Diamondhead -

Andrew's Rank: #43

-

Mstie Rank: #153


Who doesn't like the 70's and who doesn't like Hawaii? There actually is a little bit of a story behind this one. I needed a white-noise episode on evening and dialed up this one because it was one of my rare-watches. I watched it twice in a row and was pleasantly surprised by the high quantity of riffs, moderate star power, and the story behind the movie (what with it being a pilot for a weekly series starring a "Hawaii Five-O" defector). It's all just very charming!


Available on - 19 episodes - 79%

603: Dead Talk Back

Box Set #8

611: Last Wild Horses

Box Set #23

619: Red Zone Cuba

Single

604: Zombie Nightmare

Box Set #15

612: Starfighters

Box Set #12

620: Danger Death Ray

Box Set #26

606: Creeping Terror

Box Set #1

613: Sinister Urge

Box Set #9

621: Bst Yucca Flats

Box Set #18

607: Bloodlust

Box Set #1

614: San Francisco Int

Box Set #32

622: Angels' Revenge

Box Set #2

608: Code Nm: Dmndhd

Box Set #23

615: Kitten with a Whip

Box Set #25

624: Smsn v Vmp Wmn

Box Set #24

609: Skydivers

Box Set #1

616: Racket Girls

Box Set #15

610: Violent Years

Box Set #22

617: Sword & Dragon

Box Set #24





<< >>

601: Girls' Town

RPM

8.841

Slow

D-

Drama : 1959 : Black/White

Andrew's Rank:

152

Mstie Rank:

42

RPM Rank:

108

Ma... Ma... Mamie! Room available for bachelor parties.

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

125
-Tom is preparing for a party. Crow get's a (polka) band.

Okay.


-Dr. F announces the Umbilicus, which connects the SOL to Deep 13.

Okay.


-Tom scats like Mel Torme, prompting Mike to almost blast him into space.

Great!


-Mike puts the candy stash on the honor system, which Tom immediately raids.

Great!


-The bots create their ideal woman of the future, which ends up as Mamie Van Doren.

Okay.


-The crew send a pit down the Umbilicus which gets Dr. F in the kisser.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Weird old lady threatens to call the police.




<< >>

602: Invasion USA

RPM

9.012

Steady

D+

Drama : 1952 : Black/White

Andrew's Rank:

124

Mstie Rank:

102

RPM Rank:

99

Short:

Date with Your Family



This poster loses credibility for using the word "pants". The Beatles and Rolling Stones?

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

143
-Mike creates a robot that's not as cute as he looks.

Great!


-Clay conducts a "Harlow Monkey" experiment on Crow, with odd results.

Okay.


-The crew have civilized dinner conversation before they CHOW DOWN!

Classic!!


-Crow is a Lois Lane expert.

Not good.


-The crew are visited by the A-bomb, but you can call him Bob.

Not good.


-Mike wakes Tom from a "dream" by whacking him with a hammer. Frank is a soldier.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: The singing paperboy can't interrupt love.




<< >>

603: Dead Talk Back

RPM

8.896

Steady

D+

Horror : 1957 : Black/White : - Box Set #8

Andrew's Rank:

128

Mstie Rank:

59

RPM Rank:

105

Short:

Selling Wizard



Perhaps the dead need a time out.

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

137
-Gypsy issues a fire alarm, but they can't escape.

Okay.


-Dr. F tries pin-point marketing on Mike. He's not buying.

Okay.


-The bots host a talk show for the dead. Mike is star struck, but Abe and Winston just want to talk football.

Great!


-The crew are "The Dead". Crow has a loooong guitar solo.

Okay.


-Dr. F is a master interrogator. Frank confesses.

Great!


-Letters, Crow is soloing, Gypsy fire alarming, and Dr. F can't shoot an apple.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Lady screams.




<< >>

604: Zombie Nightmare

RPM

10.049

Speedy

B+

Mutant Human(s) : 1986 : Color : - Box Set #15

Andrew's Rank:

52

Mstie Rank:

21

RPM Rank:

34

This is the USA poster... And this is the UK poster that omits Motorhead. Sacrilege! Do zombies analyze their nightmares?
I'll call it "Night at the Museum". What do you think? So Hell's just right there? I guess that's why you should call before you dig.

Characters:

Mike: "This isn't a very effective cemetery."

Molly

: She's a voodoo lady who resurrects...

Tony

: Our zombie assassin hero with four different scores to settle. His father was murdered while saving Molly. He is hit and killed by a car driven by...

Maggie, Bob, Peter, Susie, & Jim

: A group of debauched teenagers that leave Tony for dead after they hit him. Jim, the leader, is borderline psychotic.

Capt. Tom Churchman

: Detective who investigates the occasional deaths from the aforementioned group of teens.

Frank

: Tom's partner who suspects there is more to the case than Tom is willing to accept.

Mike: "Nice use of his area!"

Movie:
This one stars Jon Mikl Thor (my spelling is correct) who also wrote some of the heavy metal songs and incidental music for the film. At the start of the movie, a young Jon watches as his father tries to break up a rape and is stabbed by one of the two punks. A nice dissolve transports us to the 80's where Jon is now a very cut softball player. He goes grocery shopping for his mother but the store is robbed. He beats up the two robbers and throws them out the door (without calling the police). On his way home he is run over by a carload of kids who leave him there to die. He does. His mom knows a voodoo lady who brings him back to life for revenge and our 80's slasher film gets underway. The gang consists of five members with varying severities of temper and fornication issues who are systematically killed. Detectives Tom, played by Adam West, and Frank investigate. Tom wants to cut corners but Frank is not so sure. In a very big twist, we find out that Tom was the guy who killed Jon's father and the voodoo lady was the one being assaulted all those years ago. She leads them to the cemetery and Tom is pulled down to hell by a zombie who we assume is Jon's father as Frank watches. The end. I don't know why Jon's father would be in hell, but you never know. Look for Tia Carrere as one of the gang and listen for groups like Pantera and Motorhead on the very cool but very 80's soundtrack. Fave character: The zombie. Quite well done and is nice enough to let a girl run around in her underwear a bit before killing her.

Reflections:

Mike: "That's an odd nativity scene."

I was headed to St. Louis when I remembered I had an audio copy of this on CD in the car. I popped it in, and obtained a new appreciation for this episode. Adam West is a delight, seriously, as is the purely rocking and purely 80's soundtrack.

Movie: (Woman flees from zombie through endless gym hallways).

Mike: "Don't use the EXIT!"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

38
-Tom and Crow are Mike's secret service. They are scared.

Classic!!


-Everyone's doin' voodoo. Mike uses his powers for good.

Great!


-Tom runs over Crow.

Not good.


-Tom and Crow relax in a hot tub and Mike goes snorkeling.

Great!


-Tom and Mike are Batman and Robin and Crow laughs at them.

Great!


-The crew read letters to Adam West while Dr.F is a zombie.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Mad monster!




<< >>

605: Colossus and the Headhunters

RPM

9.694

Speedy

B-

Fantasy : 1960 : Color

Andrew's Rank:

79

Mstie Rank:

124

RPM Rank:

56

The color is fantastic, but how's the movie? I got $20 on the guy on the left. I can confirm that there are headhunters. Yes.

Characters:

Mike: "Man! Hasselhoff can't suck it in like this clown!"

Colossus

: AKA Maciste. Slightly-bigger-than-everyone-else muscle-head who rescues a tribe of people with his raft.

Ariel

: Leader of the disposed tribe who finds himself suddenly dependent on Colossus.

Queen Amoa

: Non-queenish leader of a once proud people. Her father is missing and her village is hanging on by a thread.

Kermes

: Betrayer of Queen Amoa who values his own power above all else.

Colossus: "And I supposed you're convinced that I'm your legend, but I'm sorry to say that that's impossible."

Crow: "I failed my legend finals."

Movie:
Colossus, Maciste, Hercules? Take your pick. The title character suddenly shows up in the middle of a natural disaster that threatens to wipe out an entire city. He rescues a handful of people who now find themselves homeless. They and Colossus drift at sea until they find another island to set foot on. This island is home to a once proud civilization, now reduced to hiding in the woods. Their leader, Queen Amoa, tells Colossus that her people were betrayed by the king's right-hand man, Kermes, and her father, the king, was killed. She was able to escape and start a new village, but it's only a matter of time until they are wiped out by Kermes and his contract killers, the Head Hunters. Colossus doesn't care and leaves Amoa to her fate, but has a change of heart when the Head Hunters invade, kill everyone, and kidnap Amoa. Colossus and Ariel discover that Kermes is keeping the king, quite alive, prisoner to force him to give Kermes the kingdom and Amoa in marriage. Colossus thwarts the evil plans, thus uniting the tribes and saving the king and Amoa. Of course, Colossus is a loaner and jumps back on his raft to pursue a life of danger and adventure. Amoa follows, ignoring her queenly duties, so that she and Colossus can smooch in the sunset. Fave character: Amoa. She's hot, but not in an obvious way. I love that!

Reflections:

Crow: "Can I bench press one of you guys?"

This is a midrange episode for a lot of people. While I agree that it's not a "Manos" or a "Day the Earth Froze", it's a great B-movie that begged to be riffed. Although, they play the Nummy Muffin card too much for my liking.

Tom: "Colossus, I've been elected by everyone else to ask you what the hell you're doing."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

158
-The crew does their taxes. Crow owes 40K while Mike gets a big ol' refund.

Great!


-Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter kills the crew with cuteness and Frank is throwing a tantrum.

Great!


-Frank's ode to Nummy.

Not good.


-Nummy is shedding to beat the band.

Not good.


-Nummy's sick. Frank's sick. Coincidence?

Okay.


-What's it like to get your head cut off? Frank and Dr. F play with Nummy.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Old guy gets arrow in chest.




<< >>

606: Creeping Terror

RPM

10.699

Vroom!

A-

Alien Invasion : 1963 : Black/White : - Box Set #1

Andrew's Rank:

36

Mstie Rank:

47

RPM Rank:

7

Who put hair in the sink? Man, people are salty. You got some juice or something? Mike's in the sweet spot.

Characters:

Tom: "(As alien) Man people are salty! I need some juice or something."

Martin Gordon

: Senior Deputy who is thrown into the middle of the alien invasion.

Brett Gordon

: Martin's new wife who is with him every step of the way.

Dr. Bradford

: Scientist brought in to examine the alien space craft and a much younger man than one would imagine.

Narrator

: He has more lines than anyone in this movie, so I have to give him a character slot all his own.

Mike: "You see, when a monster and a small car love each other very much..."

Movie:
Creeping? Yes. Terror. Only if you throw yourself in his mouth. This movie is uniquely bad. The lead character only has about 4 sentences. The rest of the story, a good 90%, is told by a narrator. Whether that's because of bad sound or bad dialogue I don't know. Anyway, Martin and his new wife get back from their honeymoon to find an odd ship crashed in a field. The government sends out people to investigate, but not before the monster (people with carpet draped over them) escapes. The monster's special ability is apparently hypnotism because all of its victims stand and watch as the monster attacks. This happens repeatedly for several dozen minutes until we are sent back to Martin and a government specialist unraveling the mystery. The monster is finally killed and only then is the mystery solved. The monster was actually a probe of sorts sent to earth to determine the chemical make up of humans to aid the aliens in colonization. Martin tries to destroy the ship before the data is sent, but he fails. Then the movie ends, leaving us wondering how long until colonization. Fave character: Martin for landing a cute wife with his stick body.

Reflections:

Crow: "There are times when a man needs to touch a llama."

I don't really know why I like this episode so much. Perhaps its inclusion in the very first box set. Perhaps the great host segments. Perhaps the narrator explaining every last detail of the movie so I don't have to think a lot. That's probably it.

Tom: "Bobby's hopelessly inbred synapses slowly begin to fire."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

9
-Tom is a security guard and Mike has to sign in.

Classic!!


-Laundry day in Deep 13 and the SOL is coffee-house pretentious.

Okay.


-Mike raises Crow's SOL flag as Tom stands guard.

Classic!!


-It's "Love, American Style", SOL style.

Great!


-Mike's state-of-the-art stereo plays the grainy movie music.

Classic!!


-Gypsy swallows Tom, then spits him out. Dr. F dries Frank's head.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Lady inquires as to just what the alien is.




<< >>

607: Bloodlust

RPM

9.509

Speedy

B-

Horror : 1959 : Black/White : - Box Set #1

Andrew's Rank:

70

Mstie Rank:

144

RPM Rank:

64

Short:

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm



I actually like this one. It's pretty accurate! That's my favorite Warcraft 2 upgrade.

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:

We are introduced to Dr. F's mom for the first time. While it was important for we the viewers to from whence where Dr. F's inner angst is born and while it was a good balancer in the story arc of the show (Frank inadvertently gets back at Clayton for the abuse and Clayton is made to suffer, perhaps in atonement for his own evils), and while I find it easy to believe that Frank and Ms. F are pen pans, it was all very painful. Certainly by this time we have grown to harbor a certain fondness for Clayton and the disdain with which his mother treats him is unwelcome.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

111
-Tom psychoanalyzes Crow's fishing acumen.

Okay.


-Dr. F's mom is visiting Deep 13. She and Frank are good friends. The crew read accolades.

Great!


-Crow has a "vegable" stand and Tom runs him over.

Not good.


-The crew square dance which quickly turns into a brawl. Promenade!

Classic!!


-It's a mystery murder dinner party until Crow spoils it.

Great!


-The bots fear Mike because he was a sniper. Letters. Dr. F prepares a lovely meal, but Mom and Frank go out instead.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Guy gets an arrow in the stomach.




<< >>

608: Code Name: Diamondhead

RPM

10.127

Vroom!

B+

Cops/Spies : 1977 : Color : - Box Set #23

Andrew's Rank:

43

Mstie Rank:

153

RPM Rank:

29

Short:

Day at the Fair



Just ignore the other cop show about Hawaii. I've cracked the code. I'm pretty sure this movie is called "Diamondhead".

Characters:

Johnny Paul

: AKA, Diamond Head. He's former Navy, plucked from the ranks to be a special agent in Hawaii. His current assignment is...

Sean Donovan

: AKA, Tree. He's a former good guy turned bad guy. He's a master of disguise whose current caper is worth $500K.

Tso-Tsing

: Nightclub owner who serves as Johnny's assistant. She's a former agent, now in protective custody in Hawaii.

Zulu

: A local singer who succeeds in failing, but he does have his finger on the pulse of Hawaii.

Graeber & Sakai

: Assassins who assist Donovan. Very bad dudes.

Movie:
Some episodes of MST3K feature failed hour-long TV shows incoherently spliced together. This one is sort of the same thing, but it's an actual TV movie that was supposed to spin off a series, but didn't. It takes place in Hawaii, but it's really hard to tell. Our hero Johnny is really a secret agent. His sort-of girlfriend is also a secret agent, but the people they surround themselves are anything but. Johnny gets word that a former agent turned criminal mastermind is in Hawaii looking to steal a powerful gaseous neurotoxin and sell it to international terrorists. Catching him won't be easy as he is a master of disguise and has the help of two career assassins. Johnny informs his large and perhaps inexperienced pal Zulu to track said career killers, which he actually does but when it comes time to move in for the arrest, the bad guys vanish like falling off a log. D'oh! They remain one step ahead of our trio the entire way. Zulu and Tso-Tsing both get themselves captured before being rescued by Johnny (who really needs to find himself some better help). Shots are fired and somehow our ragtag band of goofs apprehend a criminal genius and his murderous friends. Fave character: Lovejoy! Er, I mean, Donovan. He's the smartest one here and his only mistake was letting a boat pass just a little too close.

Reflections:

Hawaii Five-O was in its eighth season on CBS when this premiered in 1977 on NBC. Undoubtedly, this one was trying to cash in on Five-O's success, but they had some ammo. Zulu was actually in the original Five-O series, but left because he was upset with how unintelligent his character was written. Let's remember that as we count the times Zulu was foiled in this episode. More interesting, perhaps, is that Zulu started his career as a stand-up comedian and musician and was very popular in Hawaii long before and long after his TV career.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

148
-The SOL is filthy.

Okay.


-The crew clean up and Dr. F and Frank scrub themselves silly.

Great!


-Cambot shows the bots what would happen if Mike weren't nice.

Not good.


-Cambot shows the bots what would happen if they lived with the Crash Test Dummies.

Not good.


-Cambot shows the bots what would happen if they lived with the Frugal Gourmet.

Great!


-The crew have a luau and Tom dances a letter. The Mads share a bath.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Woman dumbly screams.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Scientist says, "We have to fumigate the tank, destroy the toxin...", then looks confused.




<< >>

609: Skydivers

RPM

10.375

Vroom!

A-

Drama : 1963 : Black/White : - Box Set #1

Andrew's Rank:

30

Mstie Rank:

69

RPM Rank:

19

Short:

Why Study Industrial Arts?



This poster is actually accurate. There's a TON of skydiving. A National Geographic special. It looks like they're wrasslin'!

Characters:

Harry

: Adulterous yet effective owner and operator of a sport parachuting business and airfield. His wife is...

Beth

: Very nice girl who doesn't deserve her situation, but always finds the silver lining and is intent to stick by Harry whom she loves.

Joe

: Harry's friend and paratrooper. Hired as Harry's mechanic upon returning from Korea. He and Beth test the affair waters.

Frankie

: Harry's former mechanic who was fired for being drunk on the job. He's looking to get back at Harry and finds comfort in the company of man-eater...

Suzy

: Harry's secret lover whom Harry shuns to get his marriage back together. She's spoiled-rich and hates Harry.

Movie:
Yup, that's exclusively what this Coleman Francis-directed, Tony Cardoza- produced movie is about, and it's delivered in the infamous Coleman Francis style of spastic editing. Cardoza plays Harry, head man at an airport that takes professional thrill seekers skydiving. To sum up, Harry fires a mechanic for being drunk and also decides to end his extra-marital affair. The woman and the mechanic hook up and both hate Harry. They decide to sabotage the biggest skydiving feat of the century by pouring acid into a chute pack to fatally damage the chute. But Harry's new mechanic is getting sweet with Harry's wife so Harry has that to deal with. Plus the FAA has put the airfield on probation due to the death of a skydiver who forgot to pull his cord. All this is intermingled with MANY shots of skydiving, all of which witnessed by nearly the whole of the town's population who seem to worship the spectacle. The movie ends with Harry ending up with the damaged chute and falling to his demise and the murdering couple gunned down in the countryside. Fave character: Harry for trying to turn his life around in a skydiving based economy.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

106
-Tom is a planetarium. Crow has lots of questions about Uranus.

Great!


-The crew and the Mads have a swing choir competition and everyone gets into it.

Classic!!


-Mike instructs the bots in shop class and Crow saws himself in half.

Great!


-Crow teaches himself what a Double Jock Lock is and gets stuck.

Okay.


-Crow washes and waxes his muscle car before Tom blows it up.

Not good.


-Tom and Crow get stuck parachuting and are forced to listen to Mike's singing. The Mads play dodgeball.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: I feel real free up there in that high blue sky.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Joe says, "Coffee? I like coffee."




<< >>

610: Violent Years

RPM

8.938

Steady

C-

Drama : 1956 : Black/White : - Box Set #22

Andrew's Rank:

122

Mstie Rank:

64

RPM Rank:

102

Short:

Young Man's Fancy



Every guy MUST see this movie! Well, this sounds cheery.

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

172
-Tom has a new Howdy Doody head and everyone is horrified.

Okay.


-Everyone needs a theme song. The Mads sing a tender ballad, and Tom goes" Oh Fortuna".

Okay.


-Turn your crank to Frank for more Garth, more Reba.

Okay.


-Tom's one-woman show, full of hysterical sobbing.

Not good.


-Mike's one-man show, written by Crow with lame jokes.

Not good.


-Mike and Crow re-enact the hold up from the movie, complete with inaction.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: So what?!




<< >>

611: Last o/t Wild Horses

RPM

9.651

Speedy

D+

Drama : 1948 : Black/White : - Box Set #23

Andrew's Rank:

135

Mstie Rank:

140

RPM Rank:

60

Now why doesn't the horse have a gun, too? And by "glowing Sepiatone" they mean "grey". Meh, I don't kno- Wait! Sepiatone?! Let's watch!

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

97
-Mike reprograms the bots to have different regional speech patterns.

Great!


-Dr. F's matter transference device messes everything up. Mike is evil and Dr. F and Frank are nice.

Okay.


-Dr. F and Frank reenact the Joey the lemur sketch before things get back to normal.

Great!


-Mike and Crow are back, but Tom and Gypsy are still... weird.

Okay.


-Mike and Crow try to fix Tom with the Alternate Universe Manual, and Tom thinks the computer sounds like Torgo.

Great!


-The nice Dr. F and Frank link up with the SOL. They too have cable. The evil Dr. F and Frank enjoy the new agony booth.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Laugh it up!




<< >>

612: Starfighters

RPM

8.762

Slow

B+

Drama : 1964 : Color : - Box Set #12

Andrew's Rank:

44

Mstie Rank:

38

RPM Rank:

112

SEE airplane porn in mid-air! Title screen Is this your first time refueling?
Is your face odd, misshapen? Join the Air Force!

Characters:

Lt. John Witkowski, Jr.

: A hotshot fighter pilot. He loves flying in the Tactical Air Command, much to the chagrin of his father...

John Witkowski, Sr.

: A congressman who flew in the Strategic Air Command and wants his son to follow in his footsteps. He has strained phone conversations with...

Col. Hunt

: He flew in the SAC with John Sr. and is conflicted as he sees the promising TAC career of John Jr. unfold.

Maj. Stevens

: Flight instructor who specializes in refueling.

Lts. York & Lyons

: John Jr.'s comrades who like to hang out at the Officer's Club.

Movie:
Most of this movie consists of stock footage compliments of the United States Air Force. Between endless clips of planes refueling and stuff blowing up are a few storylines. Hard to tell which is the main one, but there are some scenes with a congressman questioning the safety of the planes at the base where his son is stationed. He wants his son to move to a different outfit with better planes, but his son doesn't want to. So it's son versus father versus the base commander. There's also a plot concerning the budding romance between the son and a woman living near the base. The movie ends right when it's supposed to get cool with the entire squadron being sent to Europe. The end. Mike said it best, "There has never been a movie with more nothing in it than this one". Fave character: The son, played by former congressman Robert Dornan.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

54
-Crow can't get on the information superhighway.

Okay.


-Crow waits and waits for tech support and Mike has BOLD barbecue sauce.

Classic!!


-Tom and Crow refuel, and Crow misses his call.

Classic!!


-Tom and Crow "debrief" Mike.

Okay.


-The United Servo Academy Mens Chorus.

Classic!!


-Crow gets logged on and plays Boogers. Dr. F and Frank share thoughts.

Not good.


-

Stinger

: Frankenhooker punches her husband where it counts.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: John: "Where are you from, Mary?" Mary: "Iowa, if you must know."




<< >>

613: Sinister Urge

RPM

8.753

Slow

F

Drama : 1960 : Black/White : - Box Set #9

Andrew's Rank:

165

Mstie Rank:

66

RPM Rank:

113

Short:

Keeping Clean and Neat



Woman-molesting action! Mwa ha ha ha!!!

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

162
-Mike and the bots throw Gypsy a LOVELY shower.

Okay.


-Frank is missing, but a note says he's going to set off a bomb.

Okay.


-The SOL blows up. Frank has Dr. F strapped up with dynamite.

Okay.


-Crow utilizes his street connections.

Okay.


-The crew catch a break in the case! Potato cakes!

Okay.


-Frank is foiled with potato cakes.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: That can't be Dirk. No. That's not Dirk.




<< >>

614: San Francisco International

RPM

9.021

Steady

C

Drama : 1970 : Color : - Box Set #32

Andrew's Rank:

105

Mstie Rank:

105

RPM Rank:

95

Coming up next, "San Francisco Planning and Zoning"! Giant cotton candy!

Characters:

Tom as Davey: "I'm gonna splatter myself all over the tarmac to impress dad!"

Jim

: Smirky airport director played by Purnell Roberts. He does HIS job HIS way, even when it's not popular with the boss. His partner in anti-crime is...

Bob

: Airport security director played by Clu Gulager. Hippies and business men are equal in his eyes.

Ross & Joan

: Ross is a pilot in a tough spot when wife Joan is kidnapped and he's forced to assist...

Bad guys

: Three odd-looking chaps looking to execute a $3 million heist. Their other captive is...

Katie

: Jim's secretary and also his love interest.

Davey

: Well-meaning youth who loves planes more than his parents love him, which isn't saying much.

Crow: "Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call, 'bad asses'."

Movie:
This is the pilot for a 70's series of the same name. It details the bold adventurous lives of the staff of a major airport, namely Bob and Jim who are engaged in a constant smug-off. Since this is a TV show, there's not really one plot, but many subplots. Well, there is one main plot that has to do with a shipment of $3 million that is stolen with hostages taken, at least until Jim and Bob foil the bad guys and get the money and hostages back. Another plot deals with Davey whose parents are divorcing so he gets their attention by stealing a light plane, except he doesn't know how to land. So Jim goes up in another light plane and escorts Davey back to the airport. Davey lands safely and he and his parents walk off, arm in arm in arm. I hope they're going to the police station where he will face felony charges. There are other smaller plots involving with a business man framing a hippie and a romance between Jim and Katie. Fave character: Clu.

Reflections:

This is actually kind of a nifty movie. There's a lot going on, lots of action, the money heist is cool and believable, and it NEVER ceases to amaze me that there actually was a day where you could take a gun on a plane.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

115
-Tom and Crow heated debate about nothing.

Okay.


-Dr. F and Frank do some shirtless construction. Mike shows the bots the board gag.

Classic!!


-Mike is Erkel and EVERYONE enjoys the show.

Great!


-Mike is still Erkel and the onlookers amass.

Okay.


-Mike is STILL Erkel and everyone is still laughing but Torgo kills it.

Great!


-Dr.F has huge ears and the crew is disgusted.

Not good.


-

Stinger

: Purnell's job, Purnell's way.




<< >>

615: Kitten with a Whip

RPM

8.315

Slow

D-

Drama : 1964 : Black/White : - Box Set #25

Andrew's Rank:

161

Mstie Rank:

152

RPM Rank:

127

I'll never watch "Grumpy Old Men" the same again. Yikes! What are we watching?!

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

24
-Mike prepares Crow on a commando raid of Deep 13 to bring the SOL down.

Great!


-Crow descends the Umbilicus, landing in Deep 13. He is caught by Dr. F and returns.

Okay.


-Mike adds Bionic Man sound effects to the bots, and quick regrets it.

Okay.


-The kitten with the whip visits the SOL. He's VERY cat-like.

Classic!!


-Mike hazes himself for crossing the equator and he's enjoying it.

Classic!!


-The crew bashes a Dr. F pinata and a letter. Dr. F turns Frank into a pinata.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Anne Margaret gets scary.




<< >>

616: Racket Girls

RPM

9.918

Speedy

D-

Drama : 1951 : Black/White : - Box Set #15

Andrew's Rank:

155

Mstie Rank:

147

RPM Rank:

46

Short:

Are You Ready for Marriage?



I'm averting my virgin eyes! Nice racket!

Characters:


Movie:
I'm not sure why this movie was made, but it appears to be a plea to keep the sport of professional women's wrestling clean. The movie starts with a woman, Peaches, winning a match. She is approached by a man who offers to make her a contract to wrestle for him. He owns a gym where many women wrestlers train. His sidekick is a small Italian guy who likes to train with the women. He's no idiot. But Peaches' manager is into a lot more than wrestling, like horseracing, which is apparently a crime. Also, he owes the mob 35 grand. So Peaches is caught in a world of crime and womanizing. The mob tries to break in and steal money from the manager's safe, but he and his sidekick are in his office and try to run away. The mob guns them down before being caught by police. The moral of the story, if you try to taint women's wrestling, you will die. Also, there is one segment of the show, from commercial break to commercial break, that consists entirely of a wrestling match. Fave character: The Italian sidekick. All he has to do is kiss some butt and he has access to all the women one could want.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

126
-Lisa Loeb visits the SOL and sings a song.

Okay.


-Some people wander in Deep 13 so Dr. F tests the security system.

Great!


-Crow asks for Servo's hand in marriage. Mike gives the "rubber band" explanation. Where'd it go?!

Great!


-Mike goes to Crow's bachelor party. Jan in the Pan strips.

Great!


-Tom and Crow's wedding breaks out in a brawl.

Okay.


-The crew are wrestlers and read letters. Lisa Loeb breeches Deep 13 security.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: The rubber band is gone!!!




<< >>

617: Sword and the Dragon

RPM

9.301

Steady

C+

Fantasy : 1956 : Color : - Box Set #24

Andrew's Rank:

95

Mstie Rank:

73

RPM Rank:

81

If "The Ten Commandments" had a dragon, the cast counts would've been tied. If it was called "Sword IN the Dragon" then that would have spoiled the ending.

Characters:


Movie:
Yes, there is a sword in this movie, but the dragon doesn't get enough screen time to warrant a title mention. The sword is Invincor, the heirloom of Finnish warriors. So who gets it next? Enter Ilya Moromitz, which is rather inconvenient for Finland because he can't walk. But a traveler pays him a visit and fixes his legs by giving him a drink. Huh? After years of sitting Ilya is primed for stump uprooting and boulder tossing to clear his farmland. But he is shocked that his beloved homeland is under the attack of Mongols. He inherits Invincor and heads to the capital city to gain the favor of the prince and defend his land against the Mongols. This never really gets off the ground because one of the prince's advisors is a double agent and has Ilya thrown in prison and starved to death. Ilya is saved by a magic tapestry his wife made for him that produces apples whenever Ilya is peckish. The prince learns of the traitor and frees Ilya who by this time is sufficiently cheesed off enough to lead his men into battle against the Mongols who release a three headed dragon in desperation. While fighting, Ilya battles his son, Falcon, who was taken at a young age and raised by the Mongols. Falcon seems instantly okay with the fact that his whole life is a lie and helps Ilya dispatch the dragon. Happy ending! Right? No. Ilya's life must be full of adventure since he's a hero of legend and all and so he takes off, leaving his wife all alone and Falcon commander of the army. Fave character: The one guy who catches the traitors pants in his bear trap. An important guy who didn't make me mad.

Reflections:

The "Joke" sketch is unheraldedly amazing. If you know the joke, then you know what's coming. If not, then you sit with undivided attention, only to have the rug pulled out from under you.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

74
-Mike and Crow play D&D with Tom. They don't know what to do.

Great!


-The Mads are organizing their comic books when girls arrive. The crew provide entertainment.

Okay.


-A long joke plays out in black and white fashion.

Classic!!


-Gypsy is a fair-voiced maiden and Mike and the bots dress as woodland creatures.

Great!


-Ilya is an eloquent IHOP waiter and he seeks ham. Ham! HAM!

Great!


-Gypsy's review of the crew's political review. Mike is praised, Tom is not. The Mads would be ladies' men, but they're busy with Tech Wars.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Ilya causes wind demon to topple from tree.




<< >>

618: High School Big Shot

RPM

8.470

Slow

D+

Drama : 1958 : Black/White

Andrew's Rank:

133

Mstie Rank:

95

RPM Rank:

125

Short:

Out of This World



He sure didn't show the big time how to smile. Because "Elementary School Big Shot" lacked punch.

Characters:

Mike as Marv's Dad: "Let's see, how else can I scar him? Son, you have a tiny winky!"

Marvin Grant

: Well-meaning (or not) and highly intelligent (or not) youth that embodies the word "tragedy". At least he has his father (or not)...

Mr. Grant

: Socially-challenged widower with a slight alcohol problem and thus a major money problem.

Betty and Vince

: Vince is short-tempered and brash, but what makes him really dangerous is that Betty has him deviously wrapped around her finger. Together with Marvin, they form a lethal love triangle.

Sam and Harry

: Brothers-in-law who used to be crooks, but are called back into service by Marvin.

Mr. Matthews

: He runs the shipping pier where Marvin is employed. He has some "interesting" freight coming in.

Marv: "I have to split the money, but there will be over half a million for us."

Mike: Unfortunately I've hired five hundred thousand other guys to help."

Movie:
If you're looking for a movie that will reduce you to a blubbering mass of unbridled despair, then here it is. Sure, the characters each have their fair share of faults, but not even the past is safe! Marvin's a good kid with a nice job. His home life is a bit murky with an unemplyed father spending their precious money on booze, but the future is looking up as Marvin is doing VERY well in school and looks to secure a college scholarship. Plus, he has a new girlfriend in Betty. They go out, and he helps her with her schoolwork. However, that "help" includes Marvin writing a paper for Betty. Their teacher finds out, fails Betty which means she can't graduate, and revokes Marvin's scholarship. Betty reveals that she only used Marvin for his brains and dumps him. Marvin is greeted at home by his father, passed out on the couch, bottle in hand, after a bad date during which he was also dumped. Will it ever get better? Perhaps, as Marvin learns that his boss is accepting a large shipment of heroine, for which he will pay $1 million cash which he keeps in his safe. Marvin secures a driver in Sam and safe-cracker in Harry so he's all set. That is, until he confides in Betty what he's about to do! Sigh. Surprising NO ONE, she tells Vince what's going on. After some convincing, he rounds up friends and firearms of his own. Marvin and Sam and Harry, Vince and Betty and two friends, and Mr. Matthews and the heroine dealer all collide at the pier and the bitter end goes something like this: Marvin does get the money but trips the alarm. Vince holds them at gunpoint and demands the money. Vince fatally shoots an unarmed Sam. Vince's two friends run off. Betty tries to get Vince to leave. Having just killed someone, Vince becomes angry at Betty and shoots her five times. Vince punches Marv and runs. Drug dealer fatally shoots Vince in the back and the money falls into the harbor. The cops show up and fatally shoot the drug dealer. Marv, Harry, and Mr. Matthews are arrested as Marv sobs and yells apologies to his father. Speaking of which, what will his dad think? We'll never know as his father commited suicide immediately after Marv left the house that night. Yikes.

Reflections:

Marv: "I'm not scared, it's just I have some homework."

Tom: "Wetting your pants in considered homework, right?"

I would like to say this was an anti-crime film, but there is a total lack of good characters who are rewarded to counter the bad characters who are punished. The result is a movie that you might watch once, but NEVER again. Not only that, but this movie also comes with 4th-wall breaking spookiness. The was Tom Pittman's (Marv) final movie as he died in a car crash after filming. Has this movie no mercy?! I suppoed if you're looing for a bright spot, it might be that Virginia Aldridge (Betty) went on to do some writing for "Dallas" and "Knight Rider".

Marv's Teacher: "I'm very disappointed in you, Marv."

Crow: "It's been two weeks and you haven't slipped her the tongue yet."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

138
-Mike has a headache and the bots have cymbals and bagpipes.

Okay.


-Frank's DNA dinosaur mauls Dr. F. Mike makes Servo grow HUGE.

Great!


-The crew explains specialty breads.

Okay.


-Mike is a drive-by target.

Okay.


-Crow and Tom fail to TNT the lock off of Gypsy's diary.

Great!


-The crew water-gun each other.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: A million bucks!
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Mr. Grant asks, "What in the world is she goin' out with you for?"




<< >>

619: Red Zone Cuba

RPM

10.743

Vroom!

A

Drama : 1961 : Black/White : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

15

Mstie Rank:

40

RPM Rank:

6

Short:

Speech: Platform Appearance



The most exciting scene from the movie is a production still? I have an oily Cuba zone. Yes, that's really Castro.
The massive and well-disciplined special forces team eagerly receives its orders.

Characters:

Mike: "Thanks. Now I'm dying and I have paint on my face."

Griffin

: Prison escapee. It's rumored he is the famed "Cotton King of the South" criminal. While on the lam, he meets...

Cook & Landes

: Two nomadic workers who welcome Griffin and convince him to join the army with them.

Bailey Chastain

: Fellow army recruit. He owns a mountain full of tungsten that Griffin, Cook, and Landes investigate.

Fidel Castro

: The Communist leader of Cuba and the object of the military invasion.

Reporter: "I'm doing a follow-up story on the desperados that were through here in '61.

Mike as John Carradine: "Which century?"

Movie:
This movie is true to the signature Coleman Francis style of movie making, and therefore it's an absolute mess. While the opening credits roll and a song voiced by John Carradine painfully begs to be shot, we see Coleman escaping from the law. He jumps in the truck bed of two drifters, Cook and Landes, who drive around looking for work. They become friends and BAM! we're in Cuba as their platoon of five invades Castro's country solo. They escape from prison, walk back to Florida, and decide to go legit. That is until they kill an old guy and steal his car, leaving his blind daughter to fend for her satanic little self. They meet up with the wife of one of their platoon-mates and decide to mine Tungsten from a mountain she owns. But the long arm of the law eventually reaches the group and kills Coleman in a field. After at least five viewings, I still have NO idea what this movie is about, but Mike and the bots make it worth watching. It's so bad, it's good. Fave character: The wife. She loses her husband but looks optimistically towards a future of mining tungsten.

Reflections:

Landes: "I thought I heard something in the back of that truck last night."

Crow: "But I was too lazy to turn my head and look."

I really just bought this episode for the sake of having an MST on DVD. But Coleman Francis has his own style of movie making that leaves you wondering is it really that bad or just different. Mike and the bots have some hilarious jokes about Cuba and never let up on Coleman. Enshrinement ease: No-brainer because I've seen it too many times to not enshrine it.

Tom: "So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?"

Crow: "We may enjoy it."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

50
-Tom is the lottery ping pong ball machine. There are a lot of numbers.

Great!


-Frank sets up Dr. F to get beat up. The crew get dressed up to play high stakes bingo.

Great!


-Dr. F is in traction but Frank insists that he do some posture exercises.

Great!


-Mike thinks he's Carol Channing and Dr. F gets "Get Well" cards.

Great!


-Dr. F dies several times, but still has the will to live.

Okay.


-The crew sings a happy song as Dr. F strangles Frank.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Spooky, piano-playing, blind lady.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: The spry Griffin leaps from the window and strangles the Cuban guard.




<< >>

620: Danger Death Ray

RPM

10.268

Vroom!

A-

Cops/Spies : 1967 : Color : - Box Set #26

Andrew's Rank:

40

Mstie Rank:

50

RPM Rank:

25

Rayon infernal? Deadly pantyhose? Thank goodness they said "Danger" or I would have thought it was a normal death ray. Ole!

Characters:


Movie:
A scientist develops a very powerful laser gadget that's about the size of a small tank. Somehow, unexplained, some bad guys get into the first ever demonstration of the laser, steal the laser, kidnap the doctor, and get away. Enter special agent Bart Fargo, James Bond emulator number ten-million, to serve justice. It's never actually mentioned what the laser will be used by the evil mob for, but their setup is impressive so it can't be good. It is used briefly at the end in an attempt to kill Bart, but it's too bulky to maneuver and the bad guys are killed or jailed. Aside from the cookie cutter plot and characters are some of the worst special effects you will ever see. For a submarine submerging shot they've obviously used a toy in a bathtub. A car going off a cliff is obviously a toy. Bad. But what takes the cake is the end of the movie. Bart gets a call on his watch and throws it out the window because he's about to do the nasty. The watch lands in a pool and the last shot is supposed to be of the sinking watch. But they forgot to edit out the hand that drops the watch for the close-up shot! Priceless!! Fave character: Bart's girlfriend who hides him from the bad guys and gets naked to make them go away.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

69
-Crow has contact lenses.

Okay.


-Frank is a talent agent.

Great!


-Tom has constructed a Death Ray for peaceful purposes. That is, until Crow happens by and Tom roasts him.

Classic!!


-Mike Nelson, this is your life!

Great!


-Crow has womany sunglasses, but they're for manly men.

Great!


-Cambot is crying for all of the cameras killed in the movie. Frank gives Dr. F a glamour shot.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: A watch sinks, obviously thrown from a window.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: The "Ba ba da da da da" theme plays as Bart smokes and views the city.




<< >>

621: Beast of Yucca Flats

RPM

10.335

Vroom!

B+

Mutant Human(s) : 1961 : Black/White : - Box Set #18

Andrew's Rank:

42

Mstie Rank:

46

RPM Rank:

21

Short:

Money Talks


Short:

Progress Island USA



Simply the cast list just doesn't do it for me. Yucca Flats is my favorite country band.

Characters:

Tom as Narrator: "Jaworski. Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles."

Joseph Javorski

: Noted scientist. He defects from Russia to the USA with secret data on the Russian space program. He is pursued by...

Russian Agents

: Two men tasked with killing Javorski and retreiving his brief case.

Joe and Jim

: Local law enforcement who suspect a killer is loose on the plateau.

Hank

: Family man who is caught in the wheels of progress when he goes looking for his sons.

Flag on the Moon

: How'd it get there?

One of the Sons: "Aww, we never get to have any fun."

Mike as the Mother: "But you looked at pigs and there's a tire! You've had lots of fun!"

Movie:
Coleman Francis strikes again with another dreary desert drama and this time, Tor Johnson is involved. Oh man. Tor plays Joseph Javorski, arriving in the United States to hand over secret data on the Russian space program to top gov't officials. Waiting for him are Russian hitmen. A car chase and gun battle ensue. Joeseph escapes into the desert to hide, but it is unfortunately the same day the military has chosen to do an A-bomb test. Oops. The two bad guys are killed but Joseph is turned into "The Beast". He seeks refuge in a cave and terrorizes and kills interstate travelers. Having found evidence of repeated foul play, Joe and Jim formulate a plan for Jim to parachute onto the plateau and go manhunting for the killer. Hank and his family coincidentally have to stop to fix a flat tire. Their two sons wander into the desert and get lost. Hank, searching for his boys, is mistaken for the killer and non-fatally shot by an unapologetic Jim. Joseph is soon revealed as the real killer and is gunned down by Jim and Joe. Joseph pets a bunny as he dies. The end. Sprinkled throughout are phrases by Coleman meant to provide deeply psychological narratives such as, "Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?". It's odd, yet strangely necessary as it accounts for roughly 75% of the dialogue in the film. Note: The two boys that get lost and their mother are Coleman's actual sons and wife. Fave character: The narrator. How DID the flag on the moon get there?

Reflections:

Narrator: "110 in the shade..."

Tom: "130 in my pants."

Within the MST3K library, this is the third and final Coleman Francis movie. That being the case, there were some surprises and non-surprises with this being a Francis movie and all.
1) It was a dark, bleak film with dubiously dubbed dialog, undeserved deaths, closeups that should have been wide shots, wide shots that should have been closeups, and multiple forms of transportation.
2) Msties were already familiar with Tor Johnson, and having him in this movie seemed like a winfall victory. 3) Tony Cardoza.

Narrator: "Jim headed south and met Joe who headed north."

Crow: "They married and settled down."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

155
-Mike and bots wallpaper and Gypsy is horrified by it.

Okay.


-The Mads speak out against the epicenter of the "counter culture"; Mike.

Not good.


-A passing party ship annoys Tom and Mike, but Crow joins the fun.

Okay.


-Crow anxiously awaits 11:30 and can't wait for it to come again.

Not good.


-Crow's PSA for the Film Anti-Preservation Society.

Great!


-The crew celebrate sweet victory and the Dr. F slaps Frank silly.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Tor angry!
-

Andrew's Stinger

: The boys' father from the movie runs and falls.




<< >>

622: Angels' Revenge

RPM

8.746

Slow

B-

Cops/Spies : 1978 : Color : - Box Set #2

Andrew's Rank:

71

Mstie Rank:

128

RPM Rank:

116

Hmmm. Where have I seen "angels" before? Is that guy an angel? I thought angels would be cooler.

Characters:


Movie:
This is one nutty movie. And it's never a good sign when a movie has to steal something popular at the time because it can't stand on its own. And "Charlie's Angels" was popular at the time. We start with a kid beating up a drug dealer and stealing some joints. The dealer comes back with his boss and beats up the kid whose school teacher is so ticked off that she wants to strike back against the drug business. She assembles a team of 5 other women with various ethnicities and skills, mostly looking hot, and devises a plan to destroy a major refining plant. They somehow sneak past the watch towers and armed guards in their bright white, red, and blue jumpsuits and blow the place up. The drug kingpin is mad and kidnaps the teacher whose companions come to her rescue and shoot up the mob boss's mansion. The movie begs for a spin-off series but I have my suspicions that this movie actually WAS several episodes edited together. This movie is just awful with bad acting, very unfunny people trying to be funny, and cartoon sound effects whenever fists hit bodies. Look for Jack Palance as the mob boss. Fave character: Mr. Palance because even in bad movies he's still evil.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

149
-Crow has amnesia, so Mike hits him.

Okay.


-Frank and Dr. F are 70's relief pitchers. The ratings are up when the crew is the cast of "Renegade".

Okay.


-Crow's latest work is a blacksploitation spec script call Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk.

Okay.


-Mike does his best Fonz. Tom and Crow blow him up.

Great!


-Aaron Spelling's house drifts past the SOL.

Okay.


-Tom's Shame-o-meter goes crazy when Dr. F and Frank are 70's tennis players.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Shine shine shine your love.




<< >>

623: Amazing Transparent Man

RPM

8.501

Slow

D+

Mutant Human(s) : 1959 : Black/White

Andrew's Rank:

123

Mstie Rank:

151

RPM Rank:

122

Short:

Days of Our Years



The warning in the lower right says that the star "has vowed to 'appear' invisibly IN PERSON at every performance of this picture!". How do we know that anything he does is amazing if we can't see him?

Characters:

Mike: "Think of it. People might think there's not a guinea pig in a room when there actually is! Mwa ha ha!"


Movie:
This is another one of those MST3K movies that was probably good in its day. The special effects seem decent, except for a transparent guinea pig that is transparent because the actors "pet" air it and it squeaks. The movie itself begins with a man escaping from prison and brought to the house of a millionaire. The rich guy organized the escape of the con, who can pick any lock, to use him for stealing radioactive material to build an invisible army made possible by a mad scientist who discovers invisibility. The con is made invisible and , surprise, refuses to do the dirty work unless paid many times what was agreed upon. You just can't trust cons, I guess. The con decides to rob a bank instead of a nuclear facility, greatly angering his boss. But the radiation begins to wear off and he is identified as being the escapee. To atone, the con destroys the house with all of the secrets of transparency and the doctor's lab. This movie was a weird attempt to caution against the proliferation of nuclear power. Fave character: The rich guy. His only mistake in world domination was trusting a felon. Oops.

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

30
-Tom terrorizes his Crow in the bottle.

Great!


-Auntie MacFrank wakes her B&B guests and the crew provide macabre local color.

Classic!!


-Crow practices gentle pressure safety on Tom and gets fried.

Great!


-Frank gets a day off and goes to see "Squanto", which closed weeks ago.

Great!


-Tom and Crow catch Mike complete with wig and organ.

Classic!!


-The crew read a transparent letter and destroy each other's invisible armies. Auntie MacFrank flips out.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Pet the invisible pig.




<< >>

624: Samson vs the Vampire Women

RPM

9.481

Speedy

C+

Mutant Human(s) : 1961 : Black/White : - Box Set #24

Andrew's Rank:

88

Mstie Rank:

68

RPM Rank:

67

Fortunately, vampires are weak against garlic, sunlight, crosses, and Ben-Gay. This movie sucks.

Characters:


Movie:
This is a very odd little gem from Mexico that may have just been a very good B-movie, if not for the film's hero, a professional wrestler by the name of Samson who dons his shiny mask, cape, and leotards and dispatches the muscular undead minions of the vampire women with wrestling moves. His very presence entices laughter. Anyway, the vampire women awake after centuries of sleep to find a successor for the vampire queen who wants to retire to Hell. That successor is an unwilling young woman who is a descendant of the vampire queen. Her fiance and father request Samson's protection but the woman is captured anyway. So Samson runs off the vampire HQ, a huge castle in the middle of the forest, to save her. He does battle with several muscular male vampires before torching the sleeping vampires and burning down the castle. Samson is thanked by everyone involved before speeding away in the Samsonmobile (an MG Sprite), his identity still a mystery. This movie comes complete with strange sounding voiceovers, rubber bats on strings, and a five minute wrestling match. Weird. Fave character: You have to respect a person with such passion for how they dress like Samson has.

Reflections:

Well, this is Frank's last episode. I suppose that you can fit only so much story into a few three-minute host segments, but I always felt that Joel's send off gave us a bit more closure. For Joel, they spent the entire show building up to it, but Frank disappeared rather quickly and it was more of a "remembrance" episode. That being said, Dr. F's song was sweet and to the point. Bye, Frank.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

122
-The crew observe a moment of silence. Tom's silence is a bit loud.

Okay.


-The Mads get Chinese food. Frank gets a prophetic fortune in his cookie.

Okay.


-Crow sees an angelic messenger, but Mike and Tom think he's cheating at Stratego.

Okay.


-Torgo the White ushers Frank into Second Banana Heaven.

Great!


-Dr. F discovers Frank is gone for good and sings a sweet ballad.

Great!


-The crew read letters in honor of Frank. Frank appears to Dr. F with some final words.

Great!


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Stinger

: A guy sees two corpses in the garden.
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Andrew's Stinger

: Samson says, "I came as soon as I got your message, professor."