Season Five: Passing the Torch

With Joel's exit and Mike's introduction, Season Five was certainly a memorable one as one chapter ended (not to mention with an excellent run of episodes) and another chapter began. Mike vs. Joel debates flared up for seemingly no reason as the change was not good or bad, just different. There were some very memorable shows for each host in Season Five. In fact, show quality spiked as Joel was preparing to leave, peaking with 512: Mitchell. It waned slightly just after Mike's arrival, but it soon gained ground as Mike dug in.


Season Rank and Reflections

Andrew's Rank:

# 1

Mstie Rank:

# 2
This is it, my favorite season and it's out in front by a mile! It's really no mystery why as I have over half of the shows in this season either enshrined or honored with a "Choice" award. There's a bunch of great shorts to boot. Not to mention that this was the only season that we got both Joel and Mike. Yay! Personally, I thought Mike fit into place quite nicely. I mean, he had been the head writer for so long that he was the natural choice, but he lived up to the expectations and hit the ground running. That's why 513: Brain that Wouldn't Die is among my favorites. For my money, 521: Santa Claus officially took Mike out of Joel's shadow and let me know that everything was going to be just fine.


RPMs (Riffs Per Minute)

The first two shows of Season Five brought the RPM average to the highest it would ever be. Show 501: Warrior o/t Lost World was the third and final episode to boast an RPM of at least eleven. RPMs fell over the course of the season, but they would still prove some of the highest in the shows history.



5.389 11.563 501 502 503 504 505 506 507 508 509 510 511 512 513 514 515 516 517 518 519 520 521 522 523 524


Andrew's Enshrined & Choice Eps

Mstie Enshrined & Choice Eps

# 2 - 501: Warrior o/t Lost World
# 10 - 512: Mitchell
# 13 - 506: Eegah!
# 17 - 504: Secret Agent Super Dragon
# 22 - 505: Magic Voyage of Sinbad
# 28 - 517: Beginning o/t End
# 29 - 511: Gunslinger
# 34 - 513: Brain that Wouldn't Die
# 45 - 502: Hercules

# 7 - 512: Mitchell
# 8 - 521: Santa Claus
# 11 - 507: I Accuse my Parents
# 19 - 506: Eegah!
# 36 - 514: Teenage Strangler
# 39 - 508: Operation Double 007
# 41 - 519: Outlaw


RPM Top 44

Mstie Bottom 44

# 3 - 11.018 - 501: Warrior o/t Lost World
# 8 - 10.668 - 505: Magic Voyage of Sinbad
# 13 - 10.588 - 506: Eegah!
# 15 - 10.528 - 502: Hercules
# 20 - 10.364 - 508: Operation Double 007
# 27 - 10.259 - 523: Village o/t Giants
# 32 - 10.062 - 512: Mitchell
# 36 - 10.043 - 509: Girl in Lovers Lane
# 38 - 10.028 - 519: Outlaw
# 41 - 9.975 - 510: Painted Hills

# 167 - 504: Secret Agent Super Dragon
# 139 - 518: Atomic Brain
# 137 - 522: Teenage Crime Wave



Excellence Explained - Why the Good is Good

512: Mitchell - -

Andrew's Rank: #10

-

Mstie Rank: #7


You could say that this episode gets a LOT of help from the fact that it's Joel's last, and you'd be right. Make no mistake, though. This movie stands just fine on it's own two feet. Plentiful and sharp riffing, a lot of it mercilessly aimed at Joe Don Baker (whether evil or not) make this bad-cop film a hoot! As further attraction, this is a big-time movie with lots of big names and the fun-poking seems rather justified.

506: Eegah! - -

Andrew's Rank: #13

-

Mstie Rank: #19


To be honest, this one is kind of surprising. It doesn't SEEM like the kind of episode that would stand out. Certainly, the subject matter is interesting with a caveman living in the hills and all. Plus there's the unforgettable Arch Hall Jr. and Richard Kiel coupled with the family-affair that filming this movie was and a high riff count. However, just okay host segments and the fact that it followed 505: Magic Voyage of Sinbad seems like too much to overcome. I'm stumped on this one, albeit delightfully so as I'm under its spell with the rest of you.


Defending My Classics

501: Warrior o/t Lost World -

Andrew's Rank: #2

-

Mstie Rank: #52


This is a sentimental favorite. This is one of the rare instances that I saw an MST3K episode on its actual air date and time. I was thrilled! But there's more than just that. There aren't many post-apocalyptic MST3K offerings and it's one of my favorite film genres, so I'm required to put it up this high. Great host segments and never-stop riffing make this an episode I will always love.

504: Secret Agent Super Dragon -

Andrew's Rank: #17

-

Mstie Rank: #167


This is one of the first spy genre movies on MST3K I saw and it's still my favorite. It doesn't quite have outstanding RPMs, but the spy-related host segments are some of the best. The "Dragon" horn theme is stuck in my head for all eternity, but what really does it for me is the odd story: 40 year old secret agent comes out of retirement to investigate deadly chewing gum. Seriously? Seriously funny! That, and I believe that Dragon comes the closest to what what was being copied. He's more handsome than Adam Chance, he's more physically fit than Neil Connery or Diamondhead, and he has more spy quips than Bart Fargo.

505: Magic Voyage of Sinbad -

Andrew's Rank: #22

-

Mstie Rank: #60


I will say that of all the movies of this type, this one feels the most "epic" to me. It really feels like Sinbad is gone a LONG time and the "ship in the storm" scene is just hilarious. Man! I just LOVE these types of movies!

517: Beginning o/t End -

Andrew's Rank: #28

-

Mstie Rank: #93


Msties and I both agree that late Season Five was a bit blah, but this episode stands out to me mainly because this is the only large bug movie that has a perfect balance of quantity of bugs, largeness of bugs, and quality of riffing. Peter Graves' star power doesn't hurt either and I really love the way the military is incorporated in the film. Is all of that weird?

511: Gunslinger -

Andrew's Rank: #29

-

Mstie Rank: #120


A rare western on MST3K starring Beverly Garland as an even rarer female sheriff. What's not to like? The host segments are just okay and RPMs may not be stellar, but what's there is very clever. You also must admit that the love-triangle in the movie's story is most intriguing and Tom explaining his theory of bending time and space is mind bending on its own.


Available on - 24 episodes - 100%

501: Warrior Lost World

Box Set #16

509: Girl in Lovers Lane

Box Set #15

517: Beginning End

Single

502: Herc

Box Set #32

510: Painted Hills

Box Set #31

518: Atomic Brain

Box Set #3

503: Swamp Diamonds

Box Set #10

511: Gunslinger

Box Set #6

519: Outlaw

Box Set #30

504: Scrt Agnt Spr Drgn

Box Set #12

512: Mitchell

Single

520: Radar Secret Service

Box Set #32

505: Mgc Vyg Sinbad

Box Set #20

513: Brain that Wldn't Die

Single

521: Santa Claus

Box Set #16

506: Eegah!

Single

514: Teen Strangler

Box Set #10

522: Teen Crime Wave

Box Set #33

507: I Accuse my Parents

Single

515: Wld Wrld Btwmn

Single

523: Village Giants

Box Set #27

508: Oprtn Dbl 007

Box Set #25

516: Alien LA

Box Set #26

524: 12 to Moon

Box Set #35





<< >>

501: Warrior o/t Lost World

RPM

11.018

Vroom!

A+

Futuristic/Apocalyptic : 1983 : Color : - Box Set #16

Andrew's Rank:

2

Mstie Rank:

52

RPM Rank:

3

They make it look impossibly cool. Even the updated logo doesn't help. I hope he finds the lost world soon or we won't have a movie.
They love it when he signals a left turn! Who's the 13 gear road ranger who's a sex machine to all the chicks? Megaweapon! Any fruit to declare?

Characters:

Joel: "It's not so much the apocalypse. It's the humidity."

The Rider

: The unwilling hero. He is the chosen one who will lead the apocalypse-battered world into a new age of peace, understanding, and freedom, but he doesn't care.

Nastasia

: Wants to rescue her father from the evil government and she needs The Rider to help her.

McWayne

: Nastasia's father, founder of the New Way, and thus the lynchpin of world peace.

Prossor

: The leader of the evil tyrannical government.

Megaweapon

: A customized dump truck that shoots flames. It's the kind of vehicle you want to drive to school.

Joel: "You know, when you're making a low budget sci-fi movie, you can film it almost anywhere."

All: "Land O' Lakes plant. Deserted carpet warehouse. Some field in Ohio. Old quarry."

Movie:
If you like bad post-apocalyptic movies, this product of Italy is definitely for you. Taking place when "the nuclear war has been forgot", it features a Novocain-mouthed hero who just wants to ride his supersonic speed cycle from ruins to ruins, seeing the sights. But little does he know, or anyone else for that matter, that he is the ONE who will lead a band of white ninja and black Nazi (?!?!) rebels against Donald Pleasence's tyrannical Omega government and establish the vague "New Way" (they'll think of a new name when it been in place for awhile). But there are some pretty neat car chases and explosions and slow motions of resulting death and, of course, there's Megaweapon! Fave character: The Warrior. He's smug about saving the world.

Reflections:

Servo: "Who's the 13-gear road ranger who's a sex machine to all the chicks?"

Joel & Crow: "Megaweapon!"

This movie is tied with "Day the Earth Froze" as my favorite MST3K of all time. This is also one of the first episodes I saw and it made a big impression. I love this genre of movie and the low budget aspect only attracts me more. Joel and the bots are on fire and their jokes about the apocalypse and the unintelligible hero are great. Enshrinement ease: No-brainer.

Crow: "It's Kung Foley!"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

48
-Tom raises the bar for the opening monologue, but Crow sabotages it.

Great!


-

Invention

: Joel's Bittersweet Hearts and the Mads' Square Master are both great.

Great!


-Hot Slot Bots, but Tom has malfunctions.

Great!


-The crew presents a skit featuring the Warrior without a driver's license.

Classic!!


-The crew discusses what they would do after the apocalypse.

Great!


-Megaweapon via telephone. The Mads get ready for tennis.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: The Warrior notices Nastasia.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: The Warrior announces, "We're just a sitting target here. Let's move!", before rolling and laying prone on the ground.




<< >>

502: Hercules

RPM

10.528

Vroom!

B+

Fantasy : 1957 : Color : - Box Set #32

Andrew's Rank:

45

Mstie Rank:

83

RPM Rank:

15

I'm huge! Herrr-CULES. Oh, Herc, knock it off! Every chance he gets...
I'd hate to see his litter box.

Characters:

Joel: "Looks like it's big, brawny, hairy, glistening, two-fisted, manly day!"

Hercules

: He's commissioned by the king of Jolco to teach kingly virtues to his son...

Iphitus

: Arrogant prince who wants nothing to do with Herc.

Pelias

: He is crowned King of Jolco when his brother, the real king, dies under mysterious circumstances. His nephew is...

Jason

: He's out to prove that he is the true king by finding the Golden Fleece.

Iole

: Daughter of Pelias and love interest of Herc. She holds clues to her uncle's death.

Eurysteus

: Murderer and assassin.

Crow: "Wait! This is ancient Greece. They didn't have ruins yet."

Movie:
Being (loosely) based on Greek mythology, there is a rich and complicated store here. Hercules saves Iole from her run away chariot and takes her back to Jolco. The king, Pelias, is thankful and asks Herc to prepare his son, Iphitus, for the throne by making a man out of him. Iphitus wants nothing to do with Herc and tries to prove his manliness by wrestling a lion, ignoring Herc's warnings. Iphitus dies which angers the king and Iole. Herc opines that Jason is the true king and accompanies him on a journey to retrieve the Golden Fleece. They stop for provisions on an island of inhabited by Amazons, who promise not to kill them but are bound by law to do so. Herc rescues his crew and Jason, much to their chagrin (Can't I just have a little bit of the peril?) and gets the adventure moving in the right direction again. Arriving on the island where the Golden Fleece is kept, they fight the primitive natives while Jason dispatches the dragon who guards the fleece. Upon retrieving the fleece, Jason learns that his father was killed on orders from Pelias because Jason was the rightful heir to the throne. Everyone rushes back to Jolco, but Eurysteus sabotages the effort and Herc and his crew are imprisoned. Iole helps them escape and they level the place. Eurysteus is killed after being exposed as the true king's killer, Pelias commits suicide, Jason is made King, and the fleece is only slightly damaged. Fave character: Hercules. The obvious choice, but he truly shines, as does his body.

Reflections:

Joel: "I've got the feeling that Hercules is gonna learn an important lesson and kick some serious butt."

Steve Reeves is my favorite Hercules. He's definitely the most chiseled, but his stony facial expressions are just how I picture the real Herc. And this movie actually isn't bad, by my definition. The story is involved, the visuals are good for 1958, and the actors are decent.

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

34
-Casual Day on the SOL finds the crew with nothing to say.

Okay.


-

Invention

: Joel's instant karma is great and Dr. F's mobile desk follows suit.

Classic!!


-Tom creates some modern constellations.

Classic!!


-The crew discuss an oddly named music group.

Okay.


-Crow single-handedly re-enacts the Match Game, which turns philosophical.

Classic!!


-Some Amazons visit the SOL. Frank mocks Dr. F, and then injures him.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: The monkey men are a bad dream.




<< >>

503: Swamp Diamonds

RPM

9.198

Steady

B+

Drama : 1956 : Color : - Box Set #10

Andrew's Rank:

48

Mstie Rank:

122

RPM Rank:

87

Short:

What To Do On a Date



Women lusting after men IS weird. 99% of the time it's the other way around. Nah, just cubic zirconia.

Characters:

Crow: "Get over here. We just wanna kill you for a minute."

Josie

: The Leader of the convict women. She's smart and as cold as ice.

Vera

: She has a very short temper and will turn on anyone, even the other convicts.

Billie

: The most sex-starved of the convicts. She's all over...

Bob

: He's in the swamp investigating some new oil land when the convicts take him hostage along with his fiance...

Marie

: She offers the women money to turn her loose, but doesn't include Bob in the deal.

Lee

: Our heroine. An undercover cop imbedded with the escaped convicts.

Billie: "Enjoy yourself"

Joel: "I just did."

Movie:
Roger Corman delivers this dark little movie about a cop spying on a group of convict women to retrieve some diamonds. Convict Vera is played by Beverly Garland who is very good as the hot-headed red-head. We start the movie at Mardi Gras where Bob and Marie discuss traveling to see his new oil land in swamp country. We are then treated to five minutes of parade footage. Then there is a very nice segue to a police station where Lee and the chief discuss the aforementioned group of cons. Turns out the cons stole a bunch of diamonds and were put in prison, but won't reveal the diamonds' location. Lee poses as an inmate and springs herself and the other women from prison. The four of them travel through the swamp, kidnapping Bob and Marie as hostages. Along the way, Marie is killed by an alligator (which no one seems upset about), the sex-starved women make passes at Bob, and Lee tries to keep everyone alive. They find the diamonds but Lee's cover is blown and she and Bob beat the cons into submission. A police boat shows up just in time to take the cons back in to custody while Bob and Lee smooch, showing no sorrow for the late fiance. Fave character: The cop. I love a woman in uniform.

Reflections:

Tom: "These women are actually escaping in Easy Spirit pumps!"

This was one of my first Mst3k viewings and watching as J&TB figure out other names for our leading man, Touch Conners, with hilarious results is something I treasure. Even when there's nothing going on in the movie, J&TB can still find something funny to say.

Joel: "Okay, we need volunteers to get killed at this campsite."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

87
-Crow and Tom are Star Trek characters, Joel tries to make them mad.

Okay.


-

Invention

: The Mads' U-View is very clever as is Joel's Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill.

Great!


-Tom thinks about asking Gypsy on a date.

Okay.


-Tom peps himself up, calls Gypsy, and begs her for a date.

Great!


-Tom and Gypsy attend a scavenger sale. Crow tells Gypsy how to make Tom cry.

Classic!!


-Tom gets rejected for a second date. Frank beats himself up.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Shhhhut up!




<< >>

504: Secret Agent Super Dragon

RPM

9.666

Speedy

A

Cops/Spies : 1966 : Color : - Box Set #12

Andrew's Rank:

17

Mstie Rank:

167

RPM Rank:

59

Actually, the day before this was released, I got my "Ordinary Secret Agent" license and beautiful girls aren't impressed thanks to this film! Hi, my name's "Super Dragon", but I swear I'm NOT an agent! It's titled "Emo, avec Lute".
The meeting of the guys who can make a "W" will now begin. His chin butt is engulfing her!

Characters:

Crow: "I bet the hero of this film's really cool. He smokes, he carries a gun... and he makes a lot of phone calls.

Brian Cooper

: AKA "Super Dragon" who's actually retired but returns to the force when his friend is killed. He's persuaded to return by...

Agent Fulton

: A blond bombshell who tries ad infinitum and in vain to woo Super Dragon.

Baby Face

: The notorious gangster and techie genius who accompanies Dragon to Holland. He assists with the mission and even saves Dragon's life.

Rembrandt 13

: Dragon's redheaded connection in Holland. She likes to mix business with pleasure, but she's secretly and unwillingly working for...

Fernand Lamas

: Rare paintings dealer and criminal mastermind. He desires to take over the world using a neurological toxin distributed in chewing gum.

Tom: "He has no batch. He's perfectly smooth!"

Movie:
Yet another James Bond emulator; this one with a name as big as a neon sign. Our movie begins with our hero enjoying retirement by practicing his suspended animation technique(?!?). He gets a call that one of his agent friends and several college students have died in Holland so he agrees to once again become Super Dragon and investigate. Evil guys have developed a nerve agent called Synchron-2 that is lethal and includes symptoms such as laughing, joking, and drinking (doesn't sound so bad). They've tested the drug in chewing gum on college students. Dragon follows the trails to an organization whose plan is apparently to take over the world by having everyone laugh themselves to death. Dragon's job is to get the formula for the antidote. There is a lot of fighting and chasing before Dragon confronts the mastermind who, upon seeing Dragon, swallows an arsenic pill. Dragon lets him know that he already photographed the formula for the antidote. Then Dragon kisses a woman. The end. Not a bad little movie, but odd and stereotypical just the same. Fave character: Babyface. The felon from Sing Sing who helps Dragon. He seems more like the Maytag repairman than a criminal.

Reflections:

Joel: "Eventually this is going to get annoying."

Crow: "Eventually?"

I actually watched this one awhile ago, but didn't fall in love with it until recently. This is the best of the James Bond look-alike Mst3k episodes and the host segments' consideration of the spy genre wrap everything up nicely. Enshrinement ease: Took some thought because I forgot how awesome this episode was until I had the DVD version.

Movie: (Electricity goes out just as Dragon and Rembrandt kiss).

Crow: "That happens to everyone now and again."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

2
-Tom and Crow create life, and it annoys Joel.

Okay.


-

Invention

: Frank's Virtual Comedy is very funny and Joel's Micro Golf is clever.

Classic!!


-Tom arranges some spy music and Joel adds some spice.

Classic!!


-Crow's screenplay features a sissy britches spy, played by Tom.

Classic!!


-Joel teaches the bots about the "Double Entendre" class in Spy School.

Great!


-Dr. F gives a seminar on Super Villainry.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Dragon is assaulted to the sound of a xylophone.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Dragon holds up his BP-vest as Babyface asks "What did you want, buttons and bows?"




<< >>

505: Magic Voyage of Sinbad

RPM

10.668

Vroom!

A

Fantasy : 1952 : Color : - Box Set #20

Andrew's Rank:

22

Mstie Rank:

60

RPM Rank:

8

This poster promises a mutant bird with a great rack, but the movie just didn't deliver said rack. It's magically Sinbadelocious. You don't got movie sign 'til I say you got movie sign, capice?
I shall be there, bringing you my golden fish. Stop looking into my soul!

Characters:

Sinbad: "Have you got the Bird of Happiness?"

Crow: "We have a pretty friendly chicken."

Sinbad

: The one and only. He wants to make his hometown of Covosan better for his sweetheart...

Luberia

: Poor working girl who waits patiently for Sinbad to return with the...

Bluebird of Happiness

: Disappointing icon who lulls everyone to sleep.

The Crew

: Sturdy lads who are more like Sinbad's personal army.

Neptune

: The ruler of the sea who loves a good tune almost as much as arguing with his wife. He loves his daughter...

Morgiana

: Regardless of the love triangle between herself, Sinbad, and Luberia, she saves Sinbad's hide several times.

Sinbad: "Don't you think I look better with my head?"

Joel: "Let's try it the other way and see."

Movie:
Apparently Sinbad was Russian, but whatever. This Russo-Finnish film follows Sinbad on his journey to save his beloved homeland from poverty and despair by trying to make everyone happy. He catches several golden fish from the sea, but that does no good. So he assembles a crew of sturdy men to aid him in his quest for the Bluebird of Happiness. He sets sail, leaving behind his beloved Luberia for who knows how long. He finds the bird in some south Asian country, but the bird turns out to be a big disappointment because all it does it put people to sleep. Realizing that happiness is all around you all the time and you just have to realize it, HUH?!, Sinbad starts back home. The sea becomes rough and Sinbad offers himself as a sacrifice to Neptune who just wants Sinbad to play a song on his harp. Sinbad does, much to the goofy delight of Neptune and his whole blissfully psychotic undersea kingdom. But Sinbad wants to go home and to ensure his return Neptune forces Sinbad to marry one of his daughters. She helps Sinbad escape and he makes it back to his hometown to announce to everyone that happiness is all around. Awwww. Argh! This movie is colorful and big, but it just goes nowhere. Fave character: Sinbad. This actor was in show #517 and he plays his characters well.

Reflections:

Movie: "Sinbad wandered to the edge of the enchanted sea..."

Tom: "And had a magic BM."

With "Day the Earth Froze" fresh in my mind, this episode was a pleasant arrival. These goofy fantasy movies are my favorite Mst3k genre and I wish that they had done more than four of them. Enshrinement ease: A recent addition that finally made its way to the top of my list.

Movie: "Sinbad has returned."

Joel: "And nobody seems to care."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

59
-The SOLtie award goes to Crow for "Best Red Gumball Machine-Looking Robot".

Great!


-

Invention

: The Mads Chinderwear is pretty funny but Joel's Rat Pack Chess Set is many levels of greatness.

Classic!!


-The Junior Jester Chapter jest about, wearing themselves out.

Okay.


-The crew are the Covosan City Council.

Okay.


-Crow is careening through space on his Sinbad-like adventure.

Okay.


-Joel has a high-tech catfish. Fisty floors Frank.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Magic horse has a good laugh.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Sinbad tells the audience, "Follow your heart to happiness."




<< >>

506: Eegah!

RPM

10.588

Vroom!

A+

Mutant Human(s) : 1962 : Color : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

13

Mstie Rank:

19

RPM Rank:

13

Why did this poster feel the need to show us granny panties? The sign is leaking. The wild Tom nests in native desert flora.
If you prick Eegah do he not bleed? Nooo!! I'm gonna slap this movie so hard! You can tell he's an experienced mountaineer.
My tires are filled with water!

Characters:

Roxy: "This is whizzing?"

Movie Tom: "Wait 'til we get off the highway!"

Crow: "Joel, you ever whiz out in the desert?"

Tom

: Blond and odd looking hipster. Singer, songwriter, dune buggy driver, and boyfriend of...

Roxy

: As girly a girl as ever there was. She almost runs over Eegah and becomes the object of his affection. Her father is...

Mr. Miller

: Stereotypical know-it-all. He loves his daughter but isn't too comfortable with Tom. He wanders off into the desert alone to search for...

Eegah

: The last caveman on earth. He likes women and hates everything else.

Movie Tom: "Lie down and take a rest for awhile. I'll keep the fire goin'."

Tom: "I'll just break off a pound of my hair at a time and burn it."

Movie:
Richard Kiel is tall and he's a bad actor, so he's perfect as a caveman living in the mountains. He's discovered by Roxy, a young woman who nearly runs him over with her car because eight-foot cavemen are hard to see. Naturally, no one believes her until her father, Mr. Miller and her baby- faced boyfriend Tom see Eegah's footprint. Mr. Miller goes off to find Eegah but doesn't return. The young couple stops whining long enough to go looking for him. They split up, smart tactic in the desert, and Roxy is kidnapped by Eegah and reunited with her father. Mr. Miller gets a shave from Roxy, wrong on so many levels, but decides he's had enough of Eegah's hospitality when Eegah tries to mate with Roxy before her father's very eyes, wrong on even more levels, so they make a break for it. They escape with Tom's help, but Eegah feels attached to Roxy. The rest of the movie is Eegah running around town looking for Roxy before he's eventually gunned down and falls into a swimming pool, which remains clean even with Eegah's bullet-ridden body in it. A scene in the un-MSTied version of the movie shows Eegah actually... um... fondling Roxy's... um... chest and that's why he loves her. Pig. Fave character: Eegah. Separated from the world but still knows how to woo the ladies.

Reflections:

Movie: (Tom loads his shotgun.)

Roxy: "Hey! What are you doing with that?"

Joel: "Bang!!!"

This is one of the first episodes I owned on DVD and thus one of the first shows I experienced in DVD quality. It was a glorious thing. The episode itself is not bad either with plenty of riffs and hep-cat goofiness. Enshrinement ease: No-brainer.

Movie Tom: "Is something wrong, Mr. Miller?"

Crow: "(As Mr. Miller) Sit down, pie-face, it's a long list."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

58
-Tom freezes Crow to absolute zero, which proves a bad idea.

Classic!!


-

Invention

: Joel invents the Porkerina and Dr. F replaces Frank's blood with antifreeze.

Okay.


-What is Hell?

Okay.


-The bots surgically turn Joel into Arch Hall, Jr.

Classic!!


-Widowers of 60's TV are discussed. The Jiffy Pop doesn't.

Okay.


-The bots shower the movie off and Dr. F has to repair Frank.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Roxy fakes it.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Eegah knocks Tom out cold.




<< >>

507: I Accuse my Parents

RPM

9.413

Steady

B+

Drama : 1944 : Black/White : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

47

Mstie Rank:

11

RPM Rank:

75

Short:

Truck Farmer



Hey, it's in color! Right? ...with the candlestick in the billiard room. She's drunk, and it's funny!
I never shirk in my work, which implies pleasure with my vocation.

Characters:

Jimmy: "Mom! Dad!"

Joel: "(As Jimmy) I won the 'Get the crap kicked out of you' contest!"

Jimmy

: Our poor dope of a hero. Really a standup, albeit dumb, type of guy who is lovingly loyal to...

Jimmy's Parents

: Drinking, gambling, adulterous couple who ignore Jimmy's path to the dark side.

Kitty

: Night club singer who starts a romance with Jim, which is hamstrung by her ties to...

Charlie Blake

: Mob leader who doesn't like Jimmy hanging around his girl, Kitty, yet he's one to keep his enemies close.

Al

: Too-kind burger joint proprietor who offers Jimmy sanctuary and friendship.

Al: "I got a shack out back. Ain't much but it's comfortable enough. Radio, flowers in the garden, and a dog. What d'ya say?"

Tom: "(As Jimmy) Give me my gun back."

Movie:
This movie was made as a warning to parents as to what will happen if they ignore their children and drink and socialize with adulterous intentions. Jimmy wins an essay contest about how fun and nurturing his home life is. His parents don't care, nor do they remember it's Jimmy's birthday, but give him money to celebrate on his own. Mom further shames Jim by showing up at his school drunk. Jim graduates, albeit embarrassed, and gets a job in a shoe store where he meets Kitty, a very cute singer who happens to be attached to the mob. Kitty introduces Jim to the mob boss, Charlie, who has evil plans for Jim. Jim is used as an errand boy who unknowingly transfers information for Charlie about stolen paintings, diamonds, and even drives a getaway car in a murder. Jim threatens to go to the police and asks for Kitty's help. Kitty, fearing Charlie, dumps Jim who skips town but is given asylum courtesy of Al. Jim gets the courage to return to confront Charlie but instead of going straight to the police, he visits Charlie who (Shock!) doesn't want to go to the police and pulls a gun on Jim. They struggle, and Charlie is killed in the fight. Jim is tried for the murder, but in his defense, tells his life story which gets his impending sentence of life in prison reduced to probation. So Jim is free, he and Kitty hook up, and the judge tells Jim's parents that they suck. However, one could argue that even if Jim's parents were loving and nurturing Jim STILL would've gone to work at the shoe store and STILL would've met Kitty and STILL etc. etc., thus negating the entire purpose of the movie. Fave character: Jim. A talented story teller and ladies' man!

Reflections:

Jimmy: "Maybe I shouldn't say this your honor, but I accuse my parents."

All: "We have a title! Woo hoo!"

Certain episodes contain a 4 or 5 minute stretch that just make me double over every time. Once Jimmy gets to Al's restaurant, the riffs come in right and left and every one is GOLD!

Crow: "(As Jimmy) I went and liberated France while you were dancing."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

3
-Tom wants to be a real live boy so Crow paints him "nude" colored.

Classic!!


-

Invention

: Joel's junk drawer organizer is clever and the Mads' Cake'n'Shake is great.

Classic!!


-The bots draw their ideal families and Joel psychoanalyzes it all.

Classic!!


-The crew is happy in their work.

Classic!!


-The crew present a mobile that represents Jimmy's complex character.

Great!


-The bots point their tank at Joel for his hamburger. The Mads clean up the Cake'n'Shake.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Dad laughs at Mom.




<< >>

508: Operation Double 007

RPM

10.364

Vroom!

B+

Cops/Spies : 1967 : Color : - Box Set #25

Andrew's Rank:

53

Mstie Rank:

39

RPM Rank:

20

Neil Connery actually WAS too much, and we never heard from him again. Horrible joke? Horrible movie? Both?

Characters:

Crow: "This guy can't possibly live up to the song they wrote about him."

Neil Connery

: Brilliant, multi-lingual, lip-reading, psychoanalytical, goateed, surgeon who is the only one who can unlock the unwillingly involved mind of...

Yachuko

: And Asian lady who has had top secret information imprinted on her brain.

Miss Maxwell

: Moneypenny? She's the main agent on the case.

Beta

: Evil mastermind who looks to paralyze the world by using magnetic waves to immobilize metal.

Tom: "Women have really broken through the glass ceiling in this movie."

Crow: "Yeah, but there's a guy looking up through it."

Movie:
This movie is not just a shameless clone of a better movie series. Well, it is. But it's different in that it stars Neil Connery, Sean's real life brother. Neil's character is the brother of James Bond, but his character name is Dr. Neil Connery. Oh, I can see- huh? Anyway, Neil is a plastic surgeon and hypnotist who restores an Asian lady's face and is caught in the middle of an attempt to take over the world when he learns that the lady's fiance is a target of the mob. Her fiance subconsciously imprints top secret info on the lady's brain, info that only Neil can get at when the fiance is killed. Neil does and discovers that the mob boss, who has more women surrounding him than any mob boss ever has, plans to use magnetic waves to render all of the world's machinery inoperative and take control with his anti-magnetic equipment. Neil blows stuff up, hypnotizes some people, kills the mob boss, and goes back to being a doctor. A bad movie, mostly because it's unoriginal, but it constantly makes reference to Neil's brother, making you long for the better Bond/Connery movies. Look for an appearance by Miss Moneypenny, but not Sean. Fave character: The mob boss. He uses a woman's back as a TV screen!

Reflections:

Movie: (Faux nun produces a very large PVC pipe.)

Joel: "Now time for his catheter."


Cunningham: "This is beginning to look pretty serious."

Tom: "We'd better bring Sean in."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

36
-The crew watch Joel's home movies, much to Tom's delight.

Okay.


-

Invention

: Frank presents Leder Hosen Hosen and Crow has the Bobbin' Buzzard.

Classic!!


-Joel is a mob boss. I know!

Classic!!


-Sean Connery vs. Neil Connery.

Okay.


-Joel tries to hypnotize Tom. Torgo returns with the Mads' soda pop.

Classic!!


-Dr. F magnetizes the satellite and Frank is bilingual.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Evil guy pushes a rather delayed button.




<< >>

509: Girl in Lovers Lane

RPM

10.043

Speedy

C

Drama : 1959 : Black/White : - Box Set #15

Andrew's Rank:

99

Mstie Rank:

97

RPM Rank:

36

Wow! That's naughty! capitalization is for pansies.

Characters:

Danny: "Bix, why do we have to fight if we don't want to?"

Joel: "Testosterone."

Danny Winslow

: Scared kid running away from his overbearing life. He befriends...

Bix Dugan

: Professional drifter who doesn't want to befriend anybody, but decides to help Danny.

Carrie

: Small-town girl who likes Bix, but is scared of...

Jesse

: Small-town creep who stalks Carrie and doesn't try to hide it.

Carrie's Dad

: Good old boy who knows what Bix is up to. Or does he?

Danny: "Guess I'm not much of a fighter."

Bix: "What're ya whisperin' for? It ain't no secret."

Tom: "(As Danny) What about that guy I groined in the knee?"

Movie:
Wow. This is one depressing mama jama that turns REAL dark REAL quick. We start with Danny running from two muggers. He ditches his very fat wallet, but is beaten up anyway. He is awakened in a railroad car by Bix. After a few very touchy feely scenes, they decide to drift together since Bix knows the ropes and Danny has the cash. They end up in the town of Sherman, not meaning to stay long. Those plans are hindered by Bix's budding relationship with Carrie and Danny's budding relationship with the local prostitute (and eventually Carrie's friend Peggy). However, stalker Jesse doesn't like Bix hanging around Carrie, which is happening with increasing frequency. This is where the pain starts. Bix is torn between love and freedom, but Jesse helps him with that decision when he kills Carrie and frames Bix. The local law locks Bix up, but a lynch mob led by Carrie's dad rushes the jail and drags Bix into the street where he is beaten to a pulp, much to the delight of Jesse. Danny comes to the rescue when he makes Jesse confess to the mob. For the epilogue, Danny decides to go home and take Bix with him. Fave character: Bix. His like sucks, but maybe being my favorite character will cheer him up.

Reflections:

Peggy: "Got a dime?"

Crow: "You know, back then having a dime was like having a thousand dollars."

The crew sing the ENTIRE open credit sequence and it's a riot! Tom especially has some nice lyrics. That's about it for me as this isn't one of my favorites. Mainly because the movie isn't really that bad. Sure it's deeply depressing and disturbing, but it's a great tragic buddy picture and other than Danny's all- around virginity, there's not that much to make fun of.

Bix: "He gave me a lot of things, too. Mostly his fist in my face."

Tom: "(As Danny) Did he swing it or just place it there gently?"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

114
-Crow and Tom drill belly buttons on each other.

Okay.


-

Invention

: The crew present Doc Martens for Don Martin, which is okay, but the Mads present the hilarious Dangerous Promotional Nights for baseball games. How about "Poopie Night"?

Classic!!


-The crew sing a middle class travellin' song.

Okay.


-Tom and Crow ambush Joel after pinball.

Not good.


-Crow IS Jack Elam (Jesse).

Great!


-Tom and Crow go nuts with alternate movie endings. Dr. F spikes Frank.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Prostitute queries Bix.




<< >>

510: Painted Hills

RPM

9.975

Speedy

B-

Drama : 1951 : Color : - Box Set #31

Andrew's Rank:

80

Mstie Rank:

74

RPM Rank:

41

Short:

Body Care and Grooming



Do movies with dogs suck seven times as much as other movies? It must be cold because they need another coat.

Characters:

Movie: "Who of us will ever know what is in the heart of a dog?"

Crow: "Heartworms."

Shep

: Played by Lassie, who's actually not Lassie. Huh? Shep's just making sure that no one messes with the people she loves, like...

Jonathan

: Gold prospector who believes there's a whole lotta gold in that there hill. He's aided in his search by...

Tommy

: Jonathan is like a father to him, which is good since Tommy's real father recently died.

Taylor

: Tommy's father's business partner who is loving, caring, and evil.

Tommy: "Oh, Jonathan. Why did he have to die?"

Joel: "You must have done something wrong, Tommy."

Movie:
Jonathan hears of the death of his good friend and goes to be with the family and deliver good news of his recent discovery of gold. Taylor, filling Tommy's father's shoes as Jonathan's business partner, accompanies Tommy and Jonathan to Jon's shed in the hills to help him mine for gold. All goes well, until Taylor truly fathoms the haul and is consumed with greed. Jon suspects foul play and sends Tommy back to town to claim the land with multiple names. Left alone, Taylor lures Jon to the top of the mountain and pushes him off, all before Shep's eyes. Taylor poisons Shep who is revived by natives and returns to the shed with Tommy. Shep convinces Tommy of Taylor's wrongdoings but Taylor convinces Tommy that it was all an accident. Tommy flips out and tattles on Taylor to some passing missionaries who don't believe him but take him back to town. Shep lures Taylor to the top of the mountain and growls him off the edge. He dies. We end with Shep licking the hell out of Tommy's face.

Reflections:

Tom: "C'mon. Over here. This is where I put the lose rock for you to step on."

A good, but not great, episode for me. Don't get me wrong. The whole "Pile On Pete" thing is great as are the dog jokes and there are some very clever riffs, but just not memorable overall.

Tommy: "Don't tell anybody I bawled."

Joel: "Hey everyone! Tommy's in there crying like a little girl."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

112
-Crow Leno makes jokes about Congress.

Okay.


-

Invention

: The crew present Back-Talk, a reverse message machine, and Dr. F taps the endless power of Frank's heart.

Okay.


-Tom and Crow debate the attractiveness of the woman in the short.

Great!


-Crow's questionable biography on Rutherford B. Hayes.

Classic!!


-Tom has melted Crow into an ingot, but Joel claims he's worthless.

Okay.


-Tom and Crow judge Lassie, Joel almost bites. Dr. F tries to revive Frank.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: The girl from the short is naughty, she is.




<< >>

511: Gunslinger

RPM

9.356

Steady

A-

Drama : 1956 : Color : - Box Set #6

Andrew's Rank:

29

Mstie Rank:

120

RPM Rank:

77

Did I miss this almost-shirtless scene? Titles by your local starving artist. Come out to my hallway.
Our love is a two-way thing with a center passing lane.

Characters:

Joel: "Oooold western art of the oooold west."

Rose

: The lady with a star. She's very comfortable being a hard-nosed and unpopular sheriff. She's keeping her eye on...

Cain

: The new guy in town with a shady past and even shadier present. A very complex fellow who's hired by...

Erica

: Saloon owner and real estate swindler. She and Rose don't like each other at all and she and Cain go way back. Her current boyfriend is...

Jake

: AKA "Wormy" and "Little Man". He's a firecracker who seems happy being Erica's whipping boy, until she pushes him too far.

Gideon Polk

: Town mayor. He and Cain fought for the Confederacy together. Cain hates him because if Gideon hadn't've retreated his platoon, the South would've won.

Saloon Dancers

: They hate Rose's enforced curfew so much, they could just kill her.

Rose: "Now look, either you turn around or I'll book you for rustling."

Tom: "(As inmate) Well, I'm already serving consecutive life sentences, buuuuut okay."

Movie:
Roger Corman directs the Old West, and it's interesting. Bev Garland plays Rose, a woman-turned-sheriff when the original sheriff, her husband, is killed. Rose then constantly butts heads with tavern and brothel owner Erica for keeping the saloon open past curfew. Little does Rose know that Erica is quite the schemer, although it's very confusing exactly what about. I gathered that Erica is buying all the property she can so that when the railroad comes through, property values will sky rocket, which seems legit to me. But she hires a hit man, Cain, to kill Rose. Of course, Cain and Rose fall in love. Things happen. Finally, Cain and Erica intercept the pony express letter about the railroad and find it's not going through the town. That forces them to go on a shooting spree in the town. Cain kills Erica before she can kill Rose and Rose kills Cain. Just doin' her duty I guess. It's hard to tell what's the main plot and what's the subplot because the whole thing is a mess. Fave character: Cain, just because I have this fascination with being a drifter in the old west.

Reflections:

Crow: "Doors don't open like that. He's in the hall!"

This is another episode I first saw on a commercial VHS. MST3K aside, I remember being struck by the artistic beauty of the opening credits. This was also my first movie with Beverly Garland in it. Nice.

Tom: "(As a drunk Cain) Booze has knighted me 'King of the Lovers!'"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

105
-Tom's head is ready to go Kaboom!

Okay.


-

Invention

: The crew present and assortment of Wiffle products and Dr. F creates a guide for making peoples' heads explode.

Okay.


-The crew discuss the afterlife, complete with caskets.

Okay.


-Joel sends Tom a message through the Gypsy Express.

Great!


-Servo masters quantum linear superpositioning.

Classic!!


-Joel talks about the 70's, reads a deep-fried letter, and Frank's head is gone.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: The would-be murderers wonder about their clothes.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Cain asks, "Am I disturbing the peace? I do disturb the peace sometimes."




<< >>

512: Mitchell

RPM

10.062

Vroom!

A+

Cops/Spies : 1975 : Color : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

10

Mstie Rank:

7

RPM Rank:

32

Licensed to drink. Joe Don Baker IS Martha Mitchell! Pass the potatoes, peas, butter, peas, pie, butter.
John Saxon's a bad guy, but he's got a ton of Christmas gifts.

Characters:

Tom: "Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?"

Joel & Crow: "Mitchell!"

Mitchell

: The "do it my way" cop who hates rules and drug dealers. He's staking out...

James Cummings

: Shipping tycoon who tries to refuse a shipment of cocaine while Mitchell is hanging around. His bodyguard is...

Benton

: Massive, mean, and monotone.

Deany

: He shoots an unarmed and fleeing burglar and makes it look like self-defense. Mitchell suspects foul play.

Mistretta & Gallano

: Cummings and Deany's fellow mobsters who try to get rid of Mitchell.

Greta

: Prostitute hired by Cummings to keep Mitchell occupied.

Movie: (Mitchell shots a henchman on a golf course, who falls to the ground.)

Crow: "He's landed just short of the green."

Movie:
Mitchell is your standard movie about a standard bad boy cop taking on your standard drug lords. This movie was released about the time that "The Rockford Files" was popular. Hmmmm.... Joe Don Baker is our hero who is assigned to keep a close eye on a suspected drug dealer, Martin Balsam. He is assigned to the stakeout to keep him away from John Saxon, who Joe Don suspects of murdering an intruder. Turns out that unbeknownst to Balsam, he is receiving a drug shipment. He tries to get rid of Mitchell by killing him and bribing him but Mitchell won't go away and Balsam's bosses are upset when he refuses to take the shipment. Balsam double-crosses everyone and is killed by Mitchell. Everything other than what I've just described is very confusing and the movie is a mess. MST3K completely bashes Joe Don Baker, I mean heck, it's their job and all, but I think Joe Don plays the renegade cop quite well. Linda Evans plays Mitchell's prostitute and Merlin Olsen is Balsam's bodyguard. This movie contains the infamous scene where a bottle of baby oil is clearly seen on Mitchell's nightstand. Ick. Fave character: Mitchell. Keep your eye on the samich!

Reflections:

Joel: "Mitchell... Even his name says, 'Is that a beer?'"

I didn't get to see this one until I bought in on DVD, so I was already familiar with the story arc of the show concerning Joel's departure. But finally seeing how they did it was very neat and witnessing the end of an era and the start of an equally momentous one was very special. Enshrinement ease: Easy.

Tom: "The new Chrysler Fury; the car that thinks it's a house."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

66
-Joel build a toothpick model, which the bots just have to destroy.

Classic!!


-

Invention

: Joel has the Daktary Stool, but the Mads are too busy being audited.

Okay.


-Gypsy uncovers the Mads evil plan, "2001: Space Odyssey" style.

Great!


-Gypsy brainstorms rescue plans but Tom and Crow don't care.

Okay.


-Mike and Gypsy get control of the SOL.

Great!


-Joel's last transmission from his escape pod. The Mads ask Mike his jumpsuit size.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Mitchell trades verbal insults with a 10 year old.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Mitchell's gun falls from his waistline, down through his pant leg.




<< >>

513: Brain that Wouldn't Die

RPM

8.860

Steady

A-

Mutant Human(s) : 1959 : Black/White : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

34

Mstie Rank:

49

RPM Rank:

107

So, what's with the brain with the eye? Seriously, WHY? Personally, I can't ever get my brain to stay alive. He's at the 40, the 50, he could go all the way!
When growing your own Jan in the Pan, remember to give her fresh neck juice once a week.

Characters:

Crow: "Doesn't she need lungs?"

Tom: "No. She's got neck juice."

Bill

: A brilliant doctor who dabbles in the mysteries of the brain. He goes a little far and crosses MANY lines when he tries to save his fiance...

Jan

: Her head is severed off in a car wreck after which she is kept alive by Bill. She is uncomfortable with her new setup and thus hates Bill.

Kurt

: Bill's assistant and house sitter. His hand is crippled and so he helps Bill who has promised to replace it. However, even Kurt thinks Bill is crazy.

The Monster

: Bill's mistake that he can't control and refuses to destroy.

Movie: "I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in."

Tom: "Because he got me as his doctor."

Movie:
This movie is actually quite disturbing. It starts with a father and son team in the operating room. The father is trying to revive a patient and fails. The son, Bill, steps in and fiddles with the guy's brain and his heart starts pumping again. Bill gloats over his revival and the father warns him that the motor areas of the brain should not be tampered with. The father also alludes to experiments Bill is doing and suspects Bill of stealing body parts from the morgue. Bill receives an urgent message from his assistant in his personal laboratory to come over immediately. Bill and his fiance, Jan, zoom off to the lab, but are caught in a wreck that decapitates her. He takes her head and runs the rest of the way to the lab where he keeps her head alive, much to her disappointment. The creepy part is that Bill then goes hunting for a new body for Jan. He tries strip joints and model photography sessions. He has one all picked out and on the table ready to cut, when Jan provokes a horribly deformed product of Bill's experimentation to break out of his cage, destroy the lab, and burn down the house. Everyone is killed except the monster and the body donor. A very weird movie that is wrong on many levels. Fave character: The monster for destroying the sicko doctor.

Reflections:

Bill: "I'm using my new adrenoserum."

Mike: "It's got no fat and half the salt."

Mike's first episode doesn't disappoint. Mike is sharp and the movie is goofy. However, one can't help but feel that it indeed gets very weird later on as the doctor stalks women. Ick.

Bill: "What you see is real."

Mike: "What you smell is unfortunate."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

68
-The bots wrap up Mike's initiation.

Great!


-

Invention

: Mike has the okay Gutter Bumber Chute, but the dream buster is great!

Great!


-Mike tries to rig the satellite for escape and hits the "cheese line".

Okay.


-The crew make hats for Jan.

Great!


-The bots mock Mike's embarrassing story.

Okay.


-Jan in the Pan visits the crew. Mike insults her. Clay fires up the "Deep Hurting" chainsaw.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: A stripper gets philosophical.




<< >>

514: Teenage Strangler

RPM

9.700

Speedy

B

Horror : 1964 : Color : - Box Set #10

Andrew's Rank:

65

Mstie Rank:

36

RPM Rank:

55

Short:

Is this Love?



Manos: The Strangler of Fate. Remove the words, and this becomes a brochure for a self-defense class. Alternate title: "Any Parent, EVER."

Characters:

Mike: "Is that a teenager who strangles or someone who strangles teenagers?"

Jimmy

: Gang member and murder suspect who does himself no favors by sneaking out of the house against his parents' wishes to go hang out with...

Betty

: She witnesses one of the stranglings and is thus torn between protecting her friends and solving a crime.

Mikey

: Jimmy's brother and errand boy. He hides a dark secret deep within the blackened corners of his heart.

Mr. Wilson

: School janitor who also hides a dark secret deep within the blackened corners of his heart.

Betty: "I just couldn't've been one of the kids!"

Crow: "They're all good Lutherans.

Movie:
This movie features teenagers dancing and hanging out and eating hamburgers while a killer walks the streets looking for young women to off. Betty witnesses one of her friends being strangled and remembers seeing a white shape on the killer's jacket. And so, the main suspects are members of a 50's style gang with white bulldogs on their jackets. The main suspect, Jimmy, is a guy who never seems to have an alibi for himself during the murders. He also has a criminal history since he stole a bike once. The maniac. Jimmy has also been trying to get out of the Bulldog gang for a while but has just never gotten around to it. Everyone points fingers at each other before Jimmy's girlfriend is captured by the real murderer, the school janitor who used to be a teacher but was demoted when he was accused of harassing a female student, thus spawning his hate of girls. He also owns a jacket with a large white paint smear on the back. Convenient. But Jimmy and the police chief happen by the school and hear her scream. The killer is killed, the girlfriend is saved, and everyone loves each other over a hamburger and shake at the local eatery. Fave character: Jimmy's brother. Nerdy and antisocial, and funny to watch. He actually took the bike. Gasp!

Reflections:

Crow: "(As Mikey) The Amish kids beat me up again."

When I watched this recently, the flange guitar riffs at the very beginning genuinely freaked me out. (Shiver!)

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

40
-Mike calls his grandma to rescue him, draining his phone cards.

Classic!!


-

Invention

: The Mads' Frank-enforcer is very dark, but the bots' Waiter Baiter is very funny.

Great!


-The crew define love with Hollywood romance.

Okay.


-Tom disses on Crow prompting Mike to rap about the bone orchard.

Classic!!


-High-tech glasses make the wearer talk like Mikey.

Okay.


-Mike sings the janitor song and Frank is sick.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Mikey's slobbering, whining confession of Jimmy's innocence.




<< >>

515: Wild, Wild, World of Batwoman

RPM

9.015

Steady

D

Cops/Spies : 1966 : Black/White : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

137

Mstie Rank:

100

RPM Rank:

97

Short:

Cheating



The poster says "BLAM!" I'm there! I have wild doubts. Nice screensaver.

Characters:

Crow: "They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and hit the 'Mix' button."

Batwoman

: Her purpose is just as mysterious as she is, but she's high-tech and has a very loyal following of...

Batgirls

: Batwoman's underlings who are martial arts and dancing experts.

Ratfink

: Batwoman's nemesis who means to steal a high-powered listening device.

Professor Neon, Tiger, and Bruno

: Ratfink's underlings who are masters of disguise.

Tom: "(As a batgirl) It's like were smart but we're not!"

Movie:
There is definitely a strong case for Manos being the worst MST3K movie of all time and many fans agree that it is. But for me, this movie is at least equal in its pain factor. Our movie begins with two muggers killing a man for his wallet. This scene exists SOLELY to demonstrate how there are many women in society who are a part of a secret crime fighting organization. They are known as Batgirls and they work for Batwoman. There are two main plots. One is about a batgirl being kidnapped and Batwoman's attempt to rescue her. The second concerns a device which makes it possible to tap any phone conversation you want to and the struggle between the criminals, led by Ratfink, who want to steal it and the inventors who want to protect it. Oh, and there's also a scientist who develops a pill that makes its taker happy (by dancing). The movie ends with Ratfink being unmasked to reveal the inventor of the phone tapper. Why he stole his own device is never quite explained. The acting is bad, the plots are dumb, and the only redeeming quality is the cute Batgirls. Look for Steve Brodie, they guy who plays Vance in show #810. Fave character: Quite honestly, no one. They all offend me.

Reflections:

Mike: "I have a feeling Satan would regret making this movie.

I hate this movie. I knew I didn't like it, and I tried to find some shred of decency, but the pain flowed like water over Niagara Falls. The riffing isn't that great either as a fantastic string of episodes comes to a screeching halt.

Mike: "There's a peeping Zorro outside!"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

117
-Twenty one is the game and Mike hits Crow. Again and again and again.

Okay.


-

Invention

: Frank invents a nuclear powered hair styler and Mike has a back-shaving device.

Okay.


-Mike proposes that the crew write essays on cheating.

Not good.


-The crew read their essays. Crow's report matches Gypsy's, verbatim.

Classic!!


-The crew meet about Crow's cheating and decide to shun him.

Great!


-Crow is formally tried and sentenced to eating Hostess Sno-Balls. Frank is terrified of Clay's doo.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Batgirl bites Bruno.




<< >>

516: Alien from LA

RPM

9.239

Steady

C-

Alien Invasion : 1987 : Color : - Box Set #26

Andrew's Rank:

120

Mstie Rank:

115

RPM Rank:

84

This poster is rare because everyone has it hidden under their mattress. I had a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book with this exact cover. I love books. They reserved the nice font for the aliens. How considerate.

Characters:

Mike: "(As Wanda) Dad's yearbook. He was voted most likely to have an annoying daughter."

Prof. Saknussemm

: He discovers the center of the earth, and becomes trapped there. His daughter is...

Wanda Saknussemm

: Our squealing heroine whose adventure to find her father has very desirable side effects.

Gus

: Atlantean miner who is Wanda's first contact. Very gruff yet very helpful.

General Rykov

: She's just doing her job protecting her beloved Atlantis, but her mean streak shows.

Crassus

: Rykov's nemesis who doesn't want to harm Wanda, yet wants her gone all the same.

Tom: "The HOT Indiana Jones Chronicles."

Movie:
Wanda is your average geek. She hates her job in the food service industry and has a boyfriend whom she annoys. One day on the job she gets a letter that her archeologist father has gone missing in Africa and is feared dead. She travels to Africa to collect his things, yet stumbles upon his project; a large hole that is connected to the center of the earth, down which she falls. She ends up in the underground city of Atlantis; a very "Orwell's '1984'"-ish society full of dirty people, futuristic technology and worm sandwiches. She confides in Gus, who agrees to help her find her father, and Charmin (not the toilet paper) who saves her from a murderous henchman. But some citizens are concerned with her arrival, mainly General Rykov, who has severe xenophobia. Wanda and her father are tried as spies and are almost set free when Gus busts in and "rescues" them. They escape to a device that sends them both back to our world. So the professor is safe, now-hot Wanda dumps her boyfriend, and her love interest from Atlantis, Charmin, shows up on a motorcycle.

Reflections:

Movie: (Kathy descends a ladder.)

Crow: "Wow! That'll make your shamrock shake!"

I'm really confused with this movie. It seems like it might be pretty cool if it was a bit longer, but then again there are so many characters and plots to keep track of, my head spins whenever I watch it. I do enjoy the genre, and Mike and the bots, while not brilliant, are good.

Mike: "I'm gonna play you guys my Kathy Ireland books on tape sometime."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

85
-Drill Sergeant Crow instructs a blind-folded Mike to field-strip Tom.

Okay.


-

Invention

: The Mads have the clever Vend-a-gut, but Mike's Fridge Udders are just okay.

Okay.


-Tom and Crow are hot for the "Where's the Beef" lady.

Okay.


-The crew sing a folksy Irish ditty about Kathy.

Classic!!


-Mike plays the Kathy Ireland Emotion Guessing Game and racks up the points.

Classic!!


-A fan asks too many questions and Frank loses count.

Okay.


-

Stinger

: Kathy is disgusted.




<< >>

517: Beginning o/t End

RPM

9.277

Steady

A-

Mutant Beast(s) : 1957 : Black/White : - Single

Andrew's Rank:

28

Mstie Rank:

93

RPM Rank:

82

New grasshoppers on postcards! No! Not (GASP!), the "A"-bomb!!! Already? It just started!
If you could see my hands right now, you'd be horrified. He's signing, "Ahhhhhhh!!!!"

Characters:

Mike: "Beginning of the end? Already? It just started!"

Dr. Ed Wainwright

: He's perfecting a process to grow vegetables ten times their normal size and accidentally nukes some grasshoppers. He tries to exterminate them with...

Audrey Aimes

: Sassy reporter who is intrigued by Ed's experiments. She documents the grasshoppers' destructive wake and reports back to the military.

The Military

: The Illinois National Guard and eventually the U.S. Army that pump said hoppers full of hot lead, to no avail.

Crow: "Hey, this is even worse than that other stuff that we didn't know what it was."

Movie:
Peter Graves (yay!) stars as a scientist who's breeding huge tomatoes with the hopes of ending famine. We don't learn this until a female reporter, in the thick of a military operation to determine what destroyed a whole town overnight, stumbles on his greenhouse. Interested, he and his assistant and the reporter tour the town's ruins. He witnesses his assistant being devoured by a very large grasshopper. How'd they get so big? They got into Peter's greenhouse and ate some of his atomically mutated tomatoes. Peter feels responsible and implores the military to take swift action against the bent- on-destruction locusts. Peter the entomologist, in standard B-movie fashion, is given control of the military. He conducts some experiments to determine how to destroy the beasts. He finally remembers that some settlers one time chased grasshoppers into the ocean where they drowned. So he perfects a "grasshopper call" and mounts it on a boat. It works! The grasshoppers leave Chicago and drown in Lake Michigan. It's briefly implied that Peter and the reporter will get together, but all they ever had were the grasshoppers. Fave character: Peter. Being an entomologist, it's hard to attract women, but he manages to do it.

Reflections:

Ed: "We could attract them. Attract."

Tom: "I'll dress like a sexy grasshopper."

This one just grows on me. The riffing may not be the best, but the darn good host segments coupled with and inexplicably entertaining B-movie make this a goody. Oh, and Peter Graves is the man!

Mike: "You know, when I was a boy, we didn't have fast movies. Sometimes we had to wait three or four hours for something to happen."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

21
-Some lady has the wrong number and harasses the crew.

Okay.


-

Invention

: The ReComfy Bike is very cool, but I don't get the playing cards.

Okay.


-Mike calls the Mads and is horrified with their anti-manly behavior.

Great!


-Crow presents a biographical stage production about Peter Graves.

Classic!!


-Tom is a stand-up comic, specializing in grasshoppers.

Classic!!


-Grasshoppers invade fan letters and Frank and Dr. F spar.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Superior officer directs his troops into the woods.




<< >>

518: Atomic Brain

RPM

8.949

Steady

C-

Horror : 1963 : Black/White : - Box Set #3

Andrew's Rank:

119

Mstie Rank:

139

RPM Rank:

101

Short:

Juvenile Deliquency



Never a good sign when a cat is included in the poster credits. Albert Einstein?

Characters:

Narrator: "Today, medical science patches up mutilated bodies, transplanting human skin, eyes, limbs, even vital organs.

Mike: "Golgi apparatus."

Dr. Frank

: Mad scientist and grave robber who is working on brain transplants. He is being paid handsomely by...

Ms. March

: Horribly old horrible old moneybags who has big plans for her servants.

Victor

: Ms. March's right hand man who fully supports the experiments.

Anita

: Mexican girl who is useless because of a birthmark of West Virginia on her back.

Bea

: British girl who has the same measurements as Marylin Monroe.

Nina

: German girl who suspects foul play from minute one.

Narrator: "The brain cells are being reactivated by an atomic fission, produced in the Cyclotron."

Tom: "Isn't that a ride at the state fair?"

Movie:
This is one creepy film. We start with a guy and his buddy stealing a body from a crypt. Turns out that the guy is a doctor who needs freshly dead bodies for his experiments in transplantation. He works for an old woman, Ms. March, who is as evil as she is old. She requests that three young servant girls be hired to help her around the house. Victor picks them up at the airport and takes them to the mansion where Ms. March takes a special interest in their looks and body shape. Bea is the obvious winner and is treated to a luxury suite as Nina and Anita are sent to the basement. Anita disappears and the two girls voice their displeasure which causes Ms. March to lock them in their room where they witness a man acting like a dog kill a woman acting like a zombie. We see that the doctor has successfully transplanted a cat's brain into Anita's body. Suspicions are confirmed that Ms. March intends to have her brain transplanted into Bea's body. This is complicated when Bea is attacked by Anita and her face is disfigured. Ms. March settles on Nina's body and kills Victor who has served his purpose. Things are further complicated when the doctor goes rogue and transplants Ms. March's brain into the cat's body and leaves Nina alone. He wishes to continue his work and kidnaps Nina who Ms. March has made her heir. This is in turn complicated when the cat, now Ms. March, kills the doctor and destroys the house. Nina narrowly escapes which the cat in hot pursuit.

Reflections:

Ms. March: "I'm a practical woman, Dr. Frank."

Crow: "Now, lop my head off!"

I have to give this movie one thing: it is extremely creepy with a heck of a plot twist and a heck of an ending and a heck of a setup for a sequel. Might this movie not actually be as bad as we think? That being said, the host segments weren't good and this is not one my favorites since the movie lacks "fun".

Mike: "So, did they put stuffing around the cat brain so it wouldn't rattle around inside her skull?"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

164
-Crow and Tom do reader's theater.

Not good.


-

Invention

: The crew and the Mads mock each other.

Not good.


-Tom is WeatherServo-9. He reports that it's cold in space.

Okay.


-Mike show the bots his chin puppet. They don't get it.

Okay.


-Magic Voice converses with the creepy narrator from the movie.

Classic!!


-The K stands for Karl and Dr. Fist consults with Frank.

Not good.


-

Stinger

: Anita screams.




<< >>

519: Outlaw

RPM

10.028

Speedy

B+

Fantasy : 1986 : Color : - Box Set #30

Andrew's Rank:

49

Mstie Rank:

41

RPM Rank:

38

Is this even from this movie? The adventure of a 1,000 lifetimes? So, if there's three people born every second, then this adventure happens every six or so minutes. Neat. No one backs up like, the OUTLAW!
He crapped bigger than me. Cabot! No one would saw if you just killed him now!

Characters:

Elder: "Gor is a harsh world, and she breeds harsh people."

Tom: "But the rents are reasonable."

King Marlenus

: The good king of Gor. He hopes to one day bequeath his kingdom and throne to...

Prof. Tarl Cabot

: AKA "Cabot Cabot Cabot!!" On Earth, he's just a normal guy. But on the planet of Gor, he is the hero of the kingdom. His friend and unwilling partner for the trip is...

Watney Smith

: On Earth, he's unfunny and unpopular. But on the planet of Gor, he's still unfunny and unpopular. He doesn't use his brain a lot and decides to trust total strangers on Gor rather than Cabot.

Talena

: Cabot's fiance and princess of Gor. She's pampered but can take care of herself. She doesn't like her step-mother...

Queen Lara

: Power hungry and short tempered. She's also very intelligent and makes the most of Cabot's visit. Her advisor and personal wizard is...

Xenos

: Completely on board with Lara's evil plans even though they don't seem too fond of each other.

Hup

: Little person and Cabot's good friend. He's feisty in conversation and in battle.

Marlenus: "And Xenos, the High Priest."

Mike: "Oh, yeah. He is pretty high up there."

Movie:
Our hero, Cabot, possesses a ring that can transport him from Earth to the planet of Gor whenever they need his help. Or at least we assume, since the transportation is never actually shown. This movie is actually a sequel to another equally bad movie in which Cabot overthrows the evil king of Gor. This time around, fellow professor and extremely annoying friend Watney comes along with Cabot who is summoned to get rid of the evil queen Lara and her evil sidekick of a priest, Xenos, played by Jack Palance! Lara kills the good king and frames Cabot for the murder. Watney provides an alibi for Lara when he proudly announces that Lara was with him the whole night. Ick. Cabot and his dwarven sidekick escape to the countryside where they plot their attack on the evil forces. But they are captured and don't really do anything except announce to the people that Lara killed the king, causing them to kill her after she kills Xenos. Some hero Cabot is. So Cabot and his love live happily ever after, ruling Gor, and the movie ends with Watney traveling back to modern times, wandering the streets and wondering where he is. Fave character: The Hunter. He's good enough to capture Cabot and he actually is the one who kills the evil queen.

Reflections:

Cabot: "She feels for me and I feel for her and we're free to express it."

Crow: "Naked."

Watching this one recently, I was finally struck by all the inaction. From a vegetarian hero who doesn't do anything, to guards that just stand around, to music crescendos when Cabot simply walks. Ironically, for all the laze, it's all overdone. Enshrinement ease: A recent addition that just had to grow on me a little. I love the sword and sandal genre and watching the great Jack Palance try to best our ineffective hero is hilarious.

Cabot: "Where the hell am I?"

Mike: "You're the hell here."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

6
-Gypsy scolds Mike and the bots for roughhousing. They ignore. Tom gets stuck.

Classic!!


-

Invention

: The Mads invent a real fake time machine. The crew are Fabio.

Classic!!


-Mike shows the bots his thespian scrapbook. He wears a lot of sailor suits.

Great!


-Mike and the bots sing about all the skin in the movie.

Classic!!


-Mike and the bots read Palance's book, complete with voices.

Great!


-Cambot presents a buffalo montage. The Mads dance.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Lara hurls an insult at Xenos.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Cabot is force-fed some guacamole.




<< >>

520: Radar Secret Service

RPM

9.133

Steady

D

Cops/Spies : 1950 : Black/White : - Box Set #32

Andrew's Rank:

145

Mstie Rank:

117

RPM Rank:

92

Short:

Last Clear Chance



I used to be a T-man, but now I'm more of a coffee man. Don't tell anyone, but RADAR SECRET SERVICE!

Characters:

Mike: "Only radar knows what the hell is going on."

Radar Operator

: He knows all and sees all, with the help of radar. Part of his job is to assist...

Bill and Static

: Cop duo who are on Radar Patrol. They are hot on the trail of...

Blackie and Marge

: Crime tempered gangsters who're just in it long enough to save some money to get married. They work for...

Michael, Mickey, and Lila

: Criminal masterminds and participants in a love triangle. They despise radar.

Movie: "It's a highly potential ingredient for atomic energy."

Tom: "Or hot chocolate."

Movie:
This is a 1950 effort that chronicles all of the many magical wonders of radar, now a service to civilians in a post-war world. The movie informs us, "A prophecy of the unlimited possibilities of radar is the modest purpose of the picture you are about to witness." Hooray. Radar can detect stolen goods, determine what minerals lie deep within the earth, find large schools of fish, and find discarded murder weapons. However, our movie focuses on a group of gangsters who steal radioactive U-238 and how the cops use radar to track the stolen goods. Embedded in this boredom is the story of one of the gangsters who just wants to retire and marry his girlfriend. It's all very confusing because all the men in this movie have dark suits, thin mustaches, and guns so it's not clear who's good and who's bad. There are double crosses, plot twists, a lot of people die, and the movie ends with a laugh, so we assume the that bad guys are foiled. And as for the engaged couple, who knows? Fave character: The radar operator! He knows all!

Reflections:

Michael: "My first suggestion is to get rid of that radar truck."

Crow: "Blasphemer!"

Tom: "He must die!"

This is a very standard 50's caper that is dripping with radar exploitation and slang lingo. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's being said. Are you buyin' what I'm sellin'? Oh, and Sid Melton as a crook? No way!

Mike: "Attention please. You WILL love radar. Give yourselves to it freely."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

47
-Mike maintenances Crow and fouls him up.

Okay.


-Mike escapes to earth with sheets and underwear. Dr. F and Dr. Frankenhooker unveil Hypno Helio Static Stasis.

Classic!!


-Trooper Tom Servo hosts the crew's safety video.

Classic!!


-The bots throw Mike a High School reunion.

Great!


-Mike and Crow construct the Quinn Martin Nature Preserve.

Okay.


-The crew counter Hypno Helio Static Stasis with Extatoeuphorufun with Hinder 90.

Great!


-

Stinger

: Thankful maid finds a dead body.




<< >>

521: Santa Claus

RPM

9.012

Steady

B+

Fantasy : 1959 : Color : - Box Set #16

Andrew's Rank:

50

Mstie Rank:

8

RPM Rank:

98

The fact that this won a San Francisco Film Festival award explains SO much. Now that's a title card. Nothing frilly, just Santa Claus!

Characters:

Mike: "Did Danny ELF-man write this music?"

Santa

: The jolly one himself. He oversees a bunch of children at the North Pole who make Christmas toys. He also works to battle the forces of the devil, namely...

Pitch

: A lesser demon who does all he can to derail Santa's yearly journey and attempts to get children to do evil things. He focuses on...

Lupita

: Small and impoverished but humble and adorable. She's impervious to sin and brings the Jesus hammer down on the forces of evil.

Merlin

: Yes, THE Merlin. He is responsible for all of Santa's magic powers and helps Santa when he gets in trouble.

Santa's Little Helpers

: An international stable of children who make toys and are Santa's in-house IT staff.

Child: "What food do they eat on Earth, Santa Claus?"

Santa: "Oooh, everything in sight. They eat most of the animals, plants, flowers, roots, birds, even smoke and alcohol!"

Tom: "And they eat at Hardee's."

Movie:
This is a truly unique movie from Mexico that is a biopic of the red-suited one. This episode is a legendary entry into the MST3K archive because it is simultaneously scary, amusing, unbelievable, and profound. The movie starts by giving us a peek into Santa's workshop where kids from all over the world sing and make toys. Santa also has many tools at his command to keep track of the good and bad kids, such as a telescope that can see all the world, an ear that can hear all the world, and a mouth (at least we hope and pray that's what it is...) that lets Santa eavesdrop in preparation for his yearly toy delivery. But Satan doesn't like Santa and sends his best henchman, fey and effeminate Pitch, to convince kids to do evil. Pitch just can't seem to get his stuff together until he steals Santa's ability to disappear and other magic stuff and causes Santa to be treed by a dog. Merlin bales him out so Santa can finish his route and make a very special delivery; a giant dolly for Lupita, an adorable and impoverished little girl who remembers that Jesus was born on Christmas and thus refuses Pitch's advances. And Pitch, having failed, is sent back to Hell and forced to eat ice cream as his punishment. Such an amazing and positive message, but such a weird delivery. Perfect for MST3K! Fave character: The most adorable MST3K character ever, Lupita.

Reflections:

Evil boy: "Santa Claus doesn't care about us. He's too far away."

Mike as Santa: "They're onto me! Into the escape pod!"

I'm going to start a tradition of watching this episode every Christmas. Watching it other times is okay, but when taken with the general hustle and bustle of the holidays, it offers VERY welcome relief. The movie itself is trippy beyond belief, but it has a very good message about Christmas and about Christianity, or, I guess Craigianity. Mike and the bots add some great holiday host segments to make this THE MST3K Christmas episode.

Crow: "Whoa! Now this is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel."

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

22
-The crew begin a carol, but Mike scalds Crow with cocoa who freaks out.

Okay.


-Everyone exchanges gifts. Frank shaves his head Mike's sweater reads "Joike".

Great!


-Mike and the bots are synthorock band "Santa Klaws".

Classic!!


-The crew give Mike his gift; a chat with the Nelsons! The wrong Nelsons.

Okay.


-The crew sing their all-inclusive Christmas carol.

Classic!!


-The crew build a snow fort in the snow in space and Santa and Pitch do battle in Deep 13.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Life-size and maniacal toy reindeer enjoys a laugh.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: Pitch prances around.




<< >>

522: Teenage Crime Wave

RPM

8.477

Slow

D-

Drama : 1955 : Black/White : - Box Set #33

Andrew's Rank:

156

Mstie Rank:

137

RPM Rank:

124

I can tell this guy's a hardened criminal; using a woman as a meat shield and all. What was up with the teens in the fifties?!

Characters:


Movie:

Reflections:


Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

65
-The crew are escaping!

Okay.


-

Invention

: Dr. F's Mace Moose is great, and the crew don't escape.

Great!


-The doughy guy!

Okay.


-The crew open a deli, with Frank as their first customer.

Okay.


-Mystos!

Classic!!


-The crew read letters. Frank is Doughy Man! But he's weak against Mace Moose.

Classic!!


-

Stinger

: Turn it off!




<< >>

523: Village o/t Giants

RPM

10.259

Vroom!

D

Mutant Human(s) : 1965 : Color : - Box Set #27

Andrew's Rank:

149

Mstie Rank:

85

RPM Rank:

27

There're so many things to say about this poster, and not one of them is clean. NBA team camp?

Characters:

Mike: "I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see 'Willow'".

Fred

: Beau Bridges plays the leader of a roaming bunch ill-tempered teens. They hold the town hostage with their largeness thanks to...

Genius

: Wunderkind brainiac played by Ron Howard. He concocts a growth formula and aids in the popularity of his sister's boyfriend...

Mike

: Tommy Kirk plays dolt turned pseudo-hero. He battles the large when his girl is held hostage.

Mike: "Couldn't they have used all this time to show short scenes of their growing discontent with society's morays?"

Tom: "Well, they got a lot of wet boob shots in."

Movie:
This movie is very intriguing. It's based on a story by H.G. Wells so it's a good premise, it stars talent such as a young Beau Bridges and very young Ron Howard, and the special effect are quite good, save one. Yet, this movie ends up silly. Ron plays Tommy Kirk's girlfriend's adolescent chemist prodigy brother who accidentally creates a substance that grows the ingestor 10 times normal size. Tommy, in a ploy to become popular, feeds some stuff to two ducks and shows them off at the local dance club before roasting them up at a party. Beau is the ring leader of a group of rebellious teens who try to woo the formula away from Tommy to no avail. Beau and his group break in and steal a sample of the stuff, eat it, get big, and hold the town hostage by kidnapping the sheriff's daughter and Tommy's girlfriend. Tommy and Beau have a David and Goliath match. Tommy loses. Beau is ready to squash him but in rides Ron to administer the antidote to the huge teens. They shrink and hightail it out of town as the town people look on, apparently forgetting about the kidnapping and attempted murder. It's hard to determine the target audience of this movie as the story doesn't appeal to youth and the teen-movie feel doesn't appeal the older crowd. The bad special effect I talked about is when Tommy and Beau are in the same shot. All you can see are Beau's legs and they look unbelievably fake. Almost like they did some forced-perspective with a Ken doll. Fave character: The geeky genius brother. The whole movie pivots on him.

Reflections:

Crow: "What sin could a duck commit in a single lifetime?"


Tom: "Ohhh, stop licking Beau!"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

7
-Crow tries to lift too much weight and Tom takes a medicine ball right in the steamer.

Great!


-Mike puts bacon through the juicer and Frank is fired.

Great!


-Dr. F interviews Torgo for Frank's position.

Classic!!


-The crew interview Frank for a job so that he can get unemployment benies.

Classic!!


-The crew are frank about Frank in their musical tribute.

Classic!!


-Frank sabotages Torgo, who is fired by Dr. F. Frank is rehired, and killed.

Great!


-

Stinger

: None. A tribute to Frank Zappa.




<< >>

524: 12 to the Moon

RPM

9.379

Steady

B

Space Travel : 1959 : Black/White : - Box Set #35

Andrew's Rank:

59

Mstie Rank:

109

RPM Rank:

76

Short:

Design for Dreaming



I think they missed an opportunity by omitting, "SEE hellish moon aliens devour kittens alive! SEE brave astronauts forced to procreate!" Throw in an extra astronaut to make it a baker's rocket.

Characters:

Tom: "That's one small step for a man and one small soda and extra fries."

The Crew

: Many different countries, many different cultures, including those that don't like each other too much.

The Moon

: Complete with gold deposits, steam vents, and...

Aliens

: Cat-lovers who freeze Earth solid.

John: "I'm fine. See to doctor Heinrich."

Mike: "But I should warn you, you want me."

Movie:
Another space exploration film that is black and white in more ways than one. In the heat of the space race, it is decided that for the betterment of all mankind the first trip to the moon should be an international affair to declare the moon as the neutral property of all nations. Sounds good, and except for the slight confrontations between two crew members, one a Jewish orphan the other a man whose father was a Nazi, it actually works very well. Thus the interpersonal conflict is nonexistent and we instead rely on the thrill of exploration to carry the film. Which it does fairly well, save many obvious overlookings such as the moon venting steam, (a no-go in the vacuum of space), visible set lights, and astronauts walking off in the distance before anyone leaves the ship. Anyway, the main story is that humans arrive on the moon, much to the dismay of the moon's alien inhabitants which we never see. The angry aliens freeze the earth and the crew draws straws for a suicide mission to drop a bomb in a volcano to break the freeze. The Jew and the Nazi's son are the unlucky and go off to meet their destiny. The aliens are impressed by this sacrifice and lift the freeze on their own. Oh, and two of the crew members who fall in love on the trip, stay on the moon to be studied by the aliens. Oh yeah! Note, the mission commander also plays game warden Steve in show #406. Fave character: The African navigator. God-fearing and the only one who is aware of omnipresent danger.

Reflections:

Crow: "I'm gonna set this to Central Stud Time because I'm Sledge Riprock."

This one has grown on me in a big way. It's slowly working it's way to the top of my favorites list.

Tom: "You know you can only apply one-sixth the tongue on the moon?"

Host Segments:

Host Seg Rank:

110
-Mike and Gypsy have an awkward tea party while Tom and Crow giggle.

Great!


-Frank roasts Dr. F a little too much and Gypsy makes an errant tennis call.

Classic!!


-Mike and the bots' international skit is interrupted by Nuvena. She likes Mike.

Okay.


-The crew get ready to move in with Nuvena while she prances around.

Okay.


-Nuvena makes a kitchen out of the bots and Mike breaks up with her.

Great!


-The crew eat cookie dough and read letters. Nuvena seduces Frank.

Not good.


-

Stinger

: Professor Mittens is not amused.
-

Andrew's Stinger

: The navigator says the Medea stone is "Beatiful, but evil!"